Recent Thoughts

Into the Unknown

2011-11-13T20:20:00.000-08:00

It can be super difficult to leave everything that has become so comfortable to you. About a month and a half ago I left the comfort of Fort Collins and moved to Provo. I only knew that I had a job lined up and I didn't even know if it was going to work out. I moved without a place to live and with only a handful of friends that I could even spend time with. I would be lying if I said this didn't make me nervous (though when I was leaving I didn't let this show)

Within a day of being in Provo I had found a place to live, moved in, started a new job, bought a ton of items to furnish my room, and started living my new life. I didn't allow myself to look back at what else could possibly have happened if I had waited or made other different decisions. I couldn't be happier with my decision.

It took me a little while to gather my bearings and to develop the confidence to meet new people in my new ward. I had grown so accustomed to being the one introducing myself to new people so they would have friends, that it was pretty natural to be responsible for all the introductions. I have made several new friends and have already developed a presence in the area.

All the dating ideas that I have developed over the years actually work, I just needed a fresh venue to make it work, where my reputation would not go before me and make it difficult to make anything happen. I now have a girl that I think is madly in love with me. But not having brought it up with her, its difficult to say for sure.

Bottom line is that without taking this chance, I would have stunted my growth and would have been stuck in the same ruts that I was in, living in the comfort of my mothers home.

Hopeless Romanticism is tough to deal with

2011-07-19T22:05:00.000-07:00

Life has taught me several things. One lesson that I have learned and continue to relearn is that being a hopeless romantic can be super hard to live with when you can't find someone who shares that characteristic with you. Over the past year I have tried to date many girls and have been burned more times then I like to count. It always happens, whether the girl is somewhat into me and I scare her off, or I hold back a little and they don't read things right, or my timing is off. Whatever the case, I haven't been able to find a girl who is willing to let herself get excited about datinsomeone and not having to hold back or play ridiculous games. It is enough frustration that I am almost willing to give up on the entire dating scene. If the right girl comes along, she will let me know right? I'm so tired of having my heart ripped out on such a frequent basis.

My Romantic Comedy

2009-12-27T20:21:00.000-08:00

There are few things in life that are constant. The new year starts at January 1st, pickles come from cucumbers, mom my loves me, babies poop in their diapers, and someone inevitably falls in love and gets married at the end of romantic comedies. Thinking about the consistency of these things has put a different spin on how I approach life now. Actually, only the last constant I mentioned will affect anything.

Knowing that the main character of every romantic comedy gets married to someone that he/she somehow falls in love with in an unexpected way at the end of the movie has sparked an interesting thought for me. I am going to label a specific portion of my life as my romantic comedy portion of life. It will start now and will end exactly two years from now. I feel that this will not entirely change my life as I am humorous and funny situations happen around me all the time. But the one change that will happen will be that some relationship will unexpectedly actually last and by some odd twist of events I will be married by the end of my movie.

Now as the other main character remains unknown to me, (the one I will fall in love with), I will need to be certain that I understand that anything can happen at this point forward. This is very typical of every romantic comedy, where everyone watching the movie can see that these two are destined to be together. Unfortunately I am unable to communicate directly with the director of the movie (God) or the audience (my future family waiting in heaven) and will have to figure this out for myself.

I will be sure to record pertinent information in my movie log, to be reviewed after completion of the period so as to reveal all plot twists and funny moments. Here's to a good movie.

The Secondary Friend

2009-09-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

The secondary friend is a concept that I have been thinking about a lot lately. What is a secondary friend. This is the friend that you want to hang out with, when no one else is occupying your time. This is a friend that you like to talk to, when no one else is around. This is a friend that you will say hi to when you walk into a room, if you don't have other friends in the room. I think you get my point. This is a friend that, no matter how great, will always just be a backup to other options.

I think that we all find ourselves in this position among some friends. It is perfectly natural. You are not going to be everyones best friend. Even if you want to you can't, we all have limits, even if its only time constraints. In order to be a good friend you need to spend time with, listen to, talk with those whom you care about. Its not something that just happens without some personal sacrifices.

There are some benefits to being a secondary friend. You generally don't have to deal with all the drama. You don't have make most of the personal sacrifices of time and talents. You only have to be there when its convenient. Its pretty much a non committal friendship. Its a relationship where you can just be a one dimensional person, fulfilling just one role. eg., the funny guy, the smart guy, the caring guy, the spiritual guy, or whatever it may be.

However, with the positives come some negatives. As a secondary friend you don't have the benefit of relying on that friendship. It is very hard to get out that one dimensional role. And even when you do, it doesn't seem to offer that much of a reward. You are still only wanted if no one else can fulfill that role.

As was mentioned earlier, it is normal to be a secondary friend to the majority of our friends. But what if the situation arises where you are simply considered everyone's secondary friend, where you are not considered a good friend to anyone? This is a difficult situation which arises.

It is not fun, nor is it emotionally healthy to not have anyone to rely on. Every day life is often stressful and builds up in every individual. Like any high pressure system, there needs to be pressure release in order to keep the container from exploding. That valve is found in what we commonly term as the "venting session." That is what a good friend allows you to do. But a friend who is singularly found as a secondary friend does not have this privilege and will explode, or attempt to keep it under control without assistance. This is not an ideal situation by any means.

Simply put, no one can be a healthy individual just being a secondary friend.

2009-08-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

Lately it has become fairly obvious to me that I am not as happy as I have been in the past. This has cause me to ponder quite a lot on why that is and how I can change that. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot going for me. I have a great girlfriend, I have good friends, I enjoy my job most of the time, and I know what I want to do with my life career wise. The problem, I do the same thing day in and day out. I have missed one week of Monday night basketball in over a year. I almost never miss a ward activity, no matter how small. I can pretty well lay out what I will be doing on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday every week. This used to be very nice, knowing that I would probably be able to have something going on every night.

I tried to take a vacation this week and that didn't work out at all. I have not left Fort Collins for more then a day or night since I went to my mission reunion last October. And that was only for 2 days.

I have begun to wonder if I let my life control me rather then controlling my life. I think that to a certain extent we have to let life control us a little bit. But we need to be able to have flexibility. I don't know how to do this. I need to be able to mix things up, but I am struggling. I can think that I need a new hobby to cause me to change and to stretch myself. I am open to a lot of different ideas.

Why I need girls

2009-08-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

There is a pattern in my life that has always left me a little confused. It is the cycle of dating. I seem to have many opportunities to date different girls and things will go well for a month or so and then I will get crushed. Sometimes it will take weeks for me to get over the situations that arise. I often wonder why I subject myself to this time and time again knowing that this cycle has a good chance of repeating itself. The answer is very simple. I need girls in my life. Let me tell you why I have come to this conclusion.

1. I don't want a guy holding my hand

I can think of many things that make girls better then guys. One of the first things that come to mind are the small physical touches that i would never let a guy do. Examples of this include the holding of the hand, cuddling, scratching my back, and kissing. None of these things, with the exception of maybe scratching of my back, will happen with a girl that I am not interested in. I have needs in these areas and so fundamentally speaking I will continue to go back to girls time and time again.

2. The good moments usually outweigh the bad

I get screwed over by girls all the time. And IT SUCKS!!! For days or weeks on end I am upset at the world. There is a lot of pain and anguish that is only caused by my being attached to a girl and having to let go. However the good moments that come from being in a relationship are huge. When I am with a girl that I like I am happy like nothing else can make me happy. All of this good will outweigh the pain of a breakup or a fight almost every time. And if it doesn't then it was a stupid choice anyway.

3. I like girls too much

I have sworn off girls after pretty much every relationship that I've been in. This has never actually lasted more then 2 weeks. I always seem to find some girl that attracts my attention enough to make me take action no matter how bitter I am in the moment. In fact I think it is safe to say that it is the perpetual liking of a new girl that gets me over the bitterness towards the other girl.

Its a crazy life dealing with girls all the time. Sometimes it is very hard. If these thoughts don't make sense, thats ok. I often have trouble figuring out why I do it as well. And in the moment of writing this seemed to make sense. However, girls will always remain a mystery to me and I will continue to put myself in potentially hazardous situations emotionally.

My Release

2009-07-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

"My Release"
I've been too stuck on you to see anything else,
I can't see reality, and i can't help myself,
i feel so strange, so deranged, its crippling,
I'm off my side, I will hide until I've been released,
I'm tired of all the games you played,
And here I am just a product of the mess that you made,
So give me time to open your mind and be free,
Some sign of life just give me my release,
I find I'd like to unwind from you, till I can just be me,
And I've found your likely to crowd me until I can barely breathe,
I feel so vain, so deranged, its criminal,
I'm off my side, I will hide until I've been released,
I'm tired of all the games you played,
And here I am just a product of the mess that you made,
So give me time to open your mind and be free,
Some sign of life just give me my release

This is a song that my band wrote about 5 years ago now. Recently I listened to it and felt like it took on a new meaning. The last week has been really rough for me for a few different reasons. And I feel that it has been a really good growing experience. If you don't know the details of what happened to make me feel this way, I'm sorry but all I can say is that girls really do ruin lives. This song describes the point that I had reached with a certain girl.

Past experience has taught me to be careful when opening myself up to someone new. However in this situation I cast the caution aside and just let things happen. I got attached fairly quickly, and compared to previous relationships it was lightyears ahead of where anything had been after a mere five weeks before. My friends can attest to how ridiculous I was during the whole "relationship" thing.

Having gotten so attached I have found it particularly hard to let go. In fact the last week has been as close to hell as I have been in a long time. (It wasn't just the girl thing though). What have I learned from this? Perhaps the most valuable thing is that good things can't be rushed. I realize that my most valuable friendships have taken quite some time to develop. I also have come to the conclusion that having a protective barrier up at the beginning of a relationship is not only acceptable, but I think it is necessary. Dating is getting to know other individuals and trying to see the compatibility. Getting super attached before knowing if there really is any potential can lead to some serious heartache.

As with every experience in life, we learn something about ourselves. We find out what works for us and what doesn't. Sometimes I just wish it weren't so hard to find out these important things.

Being Great Doesn't Mean Being Perfect

2009-06-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

Today I played a game of frisbee golf with the intent of being the best. I realized that this is a tendency of mine in whatever it is that I attempt to do. I do not always achieve this goal. Does this mean that I am a failure, and that I am not great?

I have loved this quote since I first heard it. "I've missed about 90000 shots. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over again, and that is why I succeed." -Michael Jordan

I think that this shows a lot of wisdom. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player ever, was not perfect at the game. This quote outlines how many times he did not reach his goal of winning. But he is not remembered for missing those shots. Instead he is remembered for his hard work and dedication in overcoming those moments, and for his ability to actually come through in the important situations.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not truly comparing myself to Michael Jordan. I have never been the best at anything. But I like to think that I try and apply the qualities that i see that make him great.

As we fight through the discouragements and heartaches in life, we can remember that each of these moments gives us perspective, teaches us what we can improve on, and ultimately gives us the chance to prove that we are indeed great. We can echo the words, I have fallen down 20 times, but I got back up each of those times, and then I stayed up. That's when we become great.

And I shall give you rest

2009-06-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

The last few days have certainly been a roller coaster ride for me. I asked for change, and it came in full force. Some of it good and some of it bad. I have gotten to spend time with some good friends. I have made some really good new friends. But I have also lost some friends, and had to deal with a few things I wanted to avoid.

Without going into too much detail, I think that I can sum up much of what I have felt in a personality description that I stumbled across in some of personality test searches that I have done in my spare time.

"You hide your emotion sometimes. You are a moon type of person. You tend to be the quiet type or in contrast, you are happy but sometimes you act it out in order for you to no burden your friends with your problems. You've faced some problems in your life. Your heart has dealt blows before. You tend to think about things a lot more than other people. ... You are also the type of person that others often come to you with their problems because you've been through plenty, and you are very understanding. Though you sometimes feel lonely. Your demeanor is usually chill, and relaxed. You usually are logical, and rely a lot on facts and information on decisions. You often keep things to yourself. This is just one side of you, and you have different faces in different situations and environments, just like the moon has phases."

I have realized that I often keep my problems to myself. I don't even share things with my family a good deal of the time. And this has frustrated me and I want this to change. Everyone needs someone to talk to about things, whether they be good or bad. I often choose to just have sports as an outlet instead, which may not be the most effective idea.

But I had an epiphone during this time. I was led to the scripture Matt. 11:28-30, which talks about taking the Lords yoke upon u, which I realized I wasn't doing. As I was able to do this, much of the anxiety dispelled. It was really good to have the reminder. Its so important in the tough times.

Becoming Stagnant

2009-06-02T12:11:00.000-07:00

Can you be in a place too long? Can you over stay your welcome in an area? We all know that this is very possible when it comes to parties and other types of get-togethers. But what about just living in an area.

I have lived in Fort Collins off and on for twelve years now. That is a long time to live in an area. And then add on to this the fact that I have no real memories of life before I lived here. In a sense my whole life has been in Fort Collins. I know that I spent a year total in the Bubble, and also two years in Hawaii, but I have never lived outside of the Fort for more than a year at a time.

What has this done for me? I have become well established in this area. It is a great blessing at times to know as many people as I do. There have been times where I felt that this was my territory. I knew that this was a place where I was happy and didn't really doubt that this was where I needed to be at all.

That time has passed. Things have gotten to be very stagnant recently. I can almost count on knowing what I am going to be doing any day of the week because it has all gotten to be very routine. This has hit me pretty strongly with my current limitations. I certainly can't do everything that I want to do.

Is it time to leave? Maybe. But maybe thats not the change that is needed. I can never feel comfortable with the thought of leaving, and I don't know why. There is obviously something here for me. I guess the trick is to find out what that is.

Its time to change things up a little bit. To make sure that I'm not just doing the same thing week in and week out. Even in the best situations, where we should be happy, we have to be constantly vigilant. That way we can maximize our happiness. It is how we grow.

Don't worry Fort Collins, I'm not leaving any time soon.

Adjusting

2009-05-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

The last five weeks have been a series of adjustments for me. With a broken hand it is quite difficult to do many things. It would be quite easy for me to give up on a lot of things. My passions in life are playing my guitar, sports, and hanging out with friends. Those three things often require two hands. I have had to completely drop the idea of playing my guitar during the healing process. However, sometimes to my detriment, I have not stopped doing anything else. I still play basketball, football, and whatever i get invited to do. I haven't been able to compete at exactly the same level as normal, but close.

What has this taught me? Several things actually. The first is that anything is possible when the right adjustments are made. It took many small and major changes, as well as trial and error to perfect some of the things I kept doing. For example, I started off tying my tie laying down, which took forever but made it possible. Then I taught myself how to stand up and tie it with one hand and it doesn't take that much extra time at all.

Other trial and error moments were with sports. At first when I played basketball I found that the ball would continually fly out of my hand at undesirable moments. However with a little practice and refinement I was able to bring the ball up and shoot precisely adding only a fraction of a second to my shot attempt. And in football it took half the game and realizing that my elbow was a good thing to use, but I was able to make several key catches.

Another thing that I have learned is that attitude is key. If I didn't have a positive, can do anything attitude, I would have accomplish far less and been quite miserable. Instead I was happy, even when failing to do things that I wished I could do. However the more I joked around about how goofy I looked doing things, or about how crazy hard it was to try something, or realizing that I had agreed to do something before I remembered the injury, the better the outcome always was.

Finally, expectations of self are almost always going to be self fulfilling prophecies. If I felt I couldn't do something, then it would never happen. If I had an idea that I could accomplish something I would set my mind to it and continue trying until I accomplished the task at hand.

So what do I take from this experience? That there is probably a lot that I could be doing better at if I had the same attitude and dedication in regular living. I should be an amazing force for a little while after the hand heals. These are keys of success in life, not just for times of injury.

Forgiveness

2009-05-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

The other night I was sitting at home studying. Since I find it hard to study without music on I turned on the radio. (This was an obvious mistake since I hate listening to commercials). The first few stations that I tuned into were playing commercials, so I started broadening my search. After a little bit I found myself listening to Delilah, (not a regular experience). I listened to a caller pouring out her soul as she requested a song. She was struggling to forgive a friend who had supposedly offended in a very significant way, and who refused to apologize. I don't remember all the details of the experience, however I do remember that the listener was waiting to feel ok with the situation, and thats when she would know she had forgiven her friend. I was impressed by Delilah's response. "Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a conscious decision we make to overlook a debt that is rightfully ours."

I thought that this was profound. So many times we seek for situations to resolve on their own. Or we wait for those who have offended us to apologize or ask for forgiveness. But forgiveness really isn't something that just happens. We have to make a conscious effort to look past the wrongs that have been dealt to us.

We cannot expect to receive restitution for all the offenses toward us. It simply won't happen, no matter how good of a person we are. This is outside our control. But what we can control is our response. We have the option to hold a grudge or to forgive. Human nature makes us feel that we need to hold a grudge, that it is our right to expect corrections to be made. While it is not that harmful to think this way for a little while, if we let these feelings fester in us they can eat away at us and destroy our happiness.

The sooner we let go and make the conscious effort to overlook wrongdoings, the better we will feel. We will not carry the burdens around with us. It is a hard to forgive quickly, but it is worth it. We will be much happier.

Searching for the ideal moment, it never happens

2009-05-09T21:14:00.001-07:00

I have a few moments in the past few days where I have had a desire to share personal feelings, but the words escaped me. Fear seemed to engulf me and I panicked. All I could do was change the subject, even though I had wanted some sort of opportunity similar to this to arise. The same situation occurred again a few days later, and I reacted the same way. I was about ready to kill myself.

How many times in life do we have dreams and desires, and we let the opportunities slip by when they present themselves? This certainly was the first time for me. Though I don't think they happen very frequently either.

What caused me to freeze? It was the unfamiliarity and lack of security. I normally have many words to share in conversations. I can keep up with almost anyone in regards to sports. I have a keen sense of humor that allows me to be funny, or at least try, most of the time. I usually have some piece of advice for friends who come to me with problems. However when it comes to sharing personal thoughts and feelings I often struggle to express myself.

Much of this has to do with reactions I have had to sharing these thoughts in the past. But I think that it mostly comes down to insecurity. When sharing the inner emotions we want to know that these thoughts will be respected. It sometimes feels as though in these situations we are placing our fine china in an arena of a thousand bulls. This simply is not true when confiding in those close to us.

Looking back at these two freeze ups I know that I am actually putting my fine China in a dishwasher, where there is a possibility to the machine malfunctioning and destroying it, but overall we can agree that it will a beneficial interaction.

There is a need for more people to recognize this and see it in their lives. More love would blossom, more friendships would grow, more happiness would abound because these risks aren't as risky as we think they are in the situation.

I was attempting to find the ideal situation where this risk was eliminated. Here I would feel perfectly secure in sharing these thoughts. However I have realized that this is an imaginary place. No one can completely remove risk. It is much better to take the opportunities placed before us. Create an ideally used situation.

How to make friends and keep them

2009-05-07T17:21:00.000-07:00

It seems to be the goal of most people to have lots of friends. Why is this? Because having friends makes us feel good. Whether we have a lot of friends or just a few, the human interaction creates a sense of satisfaction, and more importantly comfort. We feel a sense of safety when we have people that we can turn to and talk to in our times of need. Recently I have had people ask me how I have been able to gain the friends that I have. In thinking about this I have come up with a few different points or ideas on what it takes to build a friendship with someone.

1. Talk to lots of different people

If you feel that you don’t have as many friends as you wish you had, there is one simple solution. Talk to more people. It comes down to simple mathematics. The more people you interact with the more likely you will find someone you will enjoy spending some time with. It is obvious that not everyone we meet will become a close friend. I believe that this can be described in a pyramid format. At the base we have our acquaintances, the people which we say hi to when we see them, but don’t have real interactions. Next we have a tier of distant friends. These friends are those that we have conversations with when ever we see them, but we often just leave these interactions up to chance and don’t seek them out. The third tier is good friends. These are the people that we hang out with regularly. We seek out interactions with them and will often find each other in many similar social situations. The fourth and final tier is close friends. Close friends are those that we can share our personal thoughts and feelings with. We are the most intimate with our close friends.

It is my theory that there is a general proportion amongst all the differing levels. I cannot define what this proportion is, but by general observations of the people I know that it most likely exists. I will use myself as an example here. I have about 700 acquaintances. I have about 100 friends. I have 30 good friends. Studies have shown that people have an average of 5 to 8 close friends. I feel that I have 8. I understand that it is difficult to accurately determine the number of acquaintances and distant friends, so I have made estimates, and you can ask me how I got these numbers if you are curious.

I feel that most people have similar proportions. The only thing that doesn’t vary much is the number of close, trusted friends. Every thing else is based upon the number of acquaintances we have. The more the merrier. So go out and talk to people.

2. Compliment Often

Everyone needs to feel appreciated, or noticed, or some combination of the two. One of the easiest ways to do this is to offer compliments. Most people take a decent amount of time getting ready for the day, (this is more so true of girls, rather than guys), and when it shows, they want to know that other people can see this. A sincere compliment can go a long way. I have witnessed many people go from a bad mood to a good mood from a simple compliment. And it seemed as though the person offering the compliment had no idea it was going to have such a profound effect. So a good philosophy to adopt is to compliment people whenever the opportunity arises. People will feel good when they are around you and they will want to spend more time with you.

3. Hang Out/ Do things together

The easiest way to spend time with people is to sit in places where we know a lot of people, and where there is a non threatening way to get to me a lot of new people. This will help us to meet a lot of new acquaintances and increase our pool of distant friends. However, the only way to turn these into good friendships is to spend quality time with these individuals. Small groups or time spent with just the two of you is a great way to get to know each other and to find out if its worth spending more time with them. This is a fundamental part of building lasting friendships because people are multi-faceted, meaning that they have more than one side to them. If we stay in the large social gathering situation, we cannot know the full potential of what everyone has to offer. Often the more we learn about individuals, the more we learn to love them.

Everyone has a façade they put on for protection. While this is not a full blown false identity in most cases, there is a level of security and anonymity that is gained from this behavior. It is possible for people to be themselves and still have a façade. This is done by not exposing too much information about oneself. In smaller situations the true identity of an individual is more likely to come out.

4. Respect Boundaries

Not everyone is the same. We can clearly see this as we examine personal boundaries. Some people are very apt to hug others, while others like to keep to themselves. Some people love to approach new people and talk to them for long periods of time, while others are more reserved and take some time to work into a friendship. Some people cling to others, some need some alone time, some prefer to have interactions with lots of different people. What it all comes down to is the fact that often we assume that other people will be comfortable doing the same things that we are comfortable with. This is simply not the case. Let me examine a few ways that people can cross the line.
The first is that we can say things that others do not appreciate. Not everyone is as comfortable with specific topics as other people are. So until you are certain that its going to be ok with a friend, ease into different topics. And respect it if they ask for a change of subject.
Another way that the line is crossed is with being too close to someone. People have a personal bubble, and most people don’t like it when it is invaded without invitation. Don’t talk too close. Don’t hug more than that person is comfortable with. Don’t touch them too much. Don’t sneak up behind someone and just stand there, let them know you are there within a few seconds. And so many more. Willing to give clarification on other situations.
The final way that I would like to discuss is with spending too much time with a person. This is very easy to do early on in the development of friendships. It is important to keep in mind that when trying to make new friends, the best course of action is to talk long enough to make it personal, but short enough that it is still interesting. Then this person will want to come and talk to you again and again and before you know if you have a new friend. If the initial conversations are longer than the other person expects or wants, then the possibility of a second conversation is significantly decreased.
It is also possible to spend too much time with someone you have been friends with for a long time. Consider the idea that you are most likely not that persons only friend. Time needs to be divided amongst all the friendships that an individual has. You do not get to decide how much time someone else wants to spend with you. You only get to decide how much time you want to give each of your friends. In order to maintain my friends in a healthy manner, I live by this philosophy: When considering time to be spent with a friend, go with the lower desired amount of the two. This does not necessarily mean that anyone wants to stop being friends. Quite the opposite is true if you are good friends already.
Now to address the all important question of how to know when the other person needs a little space. Body language is key, so pay attention to what the other individual is doing. If they continue to look around and act disinterested, its probably time to say goodbye and do something else for a little while. If they inch away and keep moving further away when you move closer, its time to do something else for a little while. There are many similar situations, and it would take too long to illustrate each one. Sometimes people will go ahead and be verbal about it. If someone says they need to go do something else, respect that and find something else to do. Keep in mind that there is no need to take offense in these situations. Intentions are not to harm you, nor are there any negative feelings toward you just because there are other things to do. People genuinely are busy sometimes, and sometimes just need a moment to themselves. If you have any questions about specific situations I’d be happy to evaluate for you.

5. Find Common Ground

Our closest friends can understand what we are trying to say even when we can’t express ourselves clearly. Close friends know how we will normally react in most settings. They know what we need, and what we want. We can’t expect that kind of relationship with everyone we meet. But we can learn many things from these kinds of friendships. The thing that connects us is the things that we have in common. With close friends we have lots of things in common. With some people it may seem nearly impossible to find something that interests both individuals. However there is always something that can tie you together. And this may not lead to a lasting friendship, but its certainly one step closer.

6. Do things for each other

There is one phenomenon that has always fascinated me. It is the effect that service has on the person performing the acts of service, not to be confused with the person receiving the service. When people perform service for someone else two things happen to that person. The first is an increase in general happiness or joy. A good feeling will always accompany acts of service, even when the task is difficult. The second thing that occurs is an instant increase in the bond that we share with those that we serve. This bond forms between the two if they have never previously met, or a slight increase in unity will take place if a relationship already exists. Perhaps the most satisfaction comes when serving someone that we don’t know with pure intentions. This means that we have no expectations of a great reward other than personal satisfaction for serving. I would hope that everyone has experienced this at one point in the course of their lives. An increase in service will favorably affect our relationships with others, whether its big acts or something relatively small.

7. Learn Tolerance

Inevitably everyone is going to do something that we don’t like at some point in our life. This is even true of those that we love the most and are closest too. The sooner we realize this the more prepared we till become. True it will catch us off guard when something offensive happens, but the process of forgiveness will be much shorter if we have this mentality. This is not to say that I have a lack of confidence in humankind. I am simply saying that we need to be realistic in our expectations of friendship. The good times will far out weigh the negative experiences, we just have to maintain the correct perspective to see this. Also, if more people are respectful of personal boundaries, then there will be less need to overlook the negative.

8. Be Yourself

It is human nature to immediately analyze the situations that surround us. If we don’t have a complete understanding, then we fill in the gaps. Most often this is an unconscious effort, though sometimes it enters into the conscious thought process. In social situations assumptions are made all the time. We create our own perception of what reality is, which have varying degrees of truth incorporated. We then make conclusions of what is expected of ourselves and others.
Hopefully this coincides with what we want to do. But what happens when these conflict? We then have a decision to make, are we going to conform to expectations or are we going to live our life independent of these expectations. The choice is not always easy to make. I have discussed this topic with friends from different parts of the country recently, and the conclusion that was reached in every conversation was the same. We can experience temporary happiness when we discard our identity and assume one that seems to fit the norm. We can often gain many friends this way. But in time we lose this gratification of simply fitting in and we long for something different. However if we start off our friendships with no false pretenses then we don’t have to pretend. Sometimes it takes longer to find friends, but the reward is much greater. These relationships become more lasting and we have more freedom to act, because we don’t have to plot out moves the same way.

9. Friendship is a Process

It is foolish to assume that you are going to get everything you want in life without putting forth any effort. If you want to become good at a sport, you practice a lot. The same is true of learning instruments or any other talent. If you want a possession then you have to save up for it. Why would we expect anything different in developing relationships? Any relationship worth having is going to take time and effort to build. And as hard at it is at times, it is worth it in the end.
Looking back at my closest friendships I have noticed something interesting about how they have started. A handful of these friendships have started without much effort. But the majority have taken a few months to solidify. Also, I noticed that while there was work involved in establishing these friendships, it wasn’t forced at all. It usually happens very naturally.

10. Not Everyone is Going to be Your Friend

The reality is that you can’t get along with everyone. You aren’t going to be able to spend enough time with everyone to become good friends. We have our limitations, and some people are just different enough that a friendship won’t happen. Don’t get discouraged when someone rejects you. It’s a part of life that everyone has to deal with. Instead brush it off and continue to meet new people and eventually you will find those that want to be your friend. No matter who you are. Remember that the greatest people to have lived on the earth

Limiting others

2009-04-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

It seems that everyone has a specific role that they must fill in their circle of friends. Sometimes we focus so much on fulfilling the role that we lose sight of our other abilities. But more often then that, we see others falling in love with one aspect of personality. People often don't take the time to see what we are like outside of the social pressures of large groups.

Every individual has multiple things to offer to the world. We all have the potential to be funny, to listen well, to offer advice, or whatever it may be. It is not prudent to limit the capabilities of others. It is very easy for people to become quite settled in doing the same things because that is what becomes expected of them.

What happens when you break from the norm and change your expectations? There can be mixed reactions. Depending on what your role is in the group the change can either be welcome, or it can be disliked. For example, if a relatively quiet individual begins to be more outgoing and talkative, the change is welcomed by most. However, sometimes when someone who is a clown many times tries to branch out and be serious for a moment, many will leave because they are no longer being entertained the same way.

The only way to give everyone the credit they deserve is to make sure that we explore more than one facet of each individual before we make any real judgments. This can take time and effort, but often times the efforts will bring about possibilities that we would have otherwise been unaware of.

Its also very important to keep in mind that people have more needs than they will openly admit most of the time. Part of the limiting process that I am talking about refers to the acts of selfishness that are rampant in our current society. Most people are caught up in solely just trying to please themselves, that they don't take time to reach out to those in need. This is especially noticeable with those who entertain.

Society as a whole could use a little more love of others. A little more sacrifice. And most importantly, a decrease in selfish behaviors which generally have little benefit for anyone in the grand scheme of things.

Thoughts on Happiness

2009-03-30T23:00:00.000-07:00

Recently my life has been going through a bit of a rough patch. It has taken quite a bit of effort to get myself feeling good about things and to be happy again. I had learned a lot about what it takes to be happy, and written most of these thoughts to be posted here. Then I realized that once again I was unhappy. This caused me to understand that no matter how hard we try to make our lives ideal and make sure that we aren't going to go crazy, inevitably we are going hit some moment that gets the better of us. Its how we learn and grow, so that the next moment we hopefully are strong enough to maintain our personal happiness.

I was going to publish the thoughts that I had, but I think I might just skip that. However, if it is desired I can still put it up because the points are still valid, just not as indestructable as I first assumed.

Societies Imaginary Lines

2009-03-05T22:37:00.000-08:00

It is interesting to think about what keeps our society functioning in a normal and safe manner. As I have pondered about this I have come to the conclusion that it is societies imaginary, yet recognized, lines or boundaries. This comes about in many ways.

The first and most obvious deals with traffic. We look at the different lines and signs posted around on the streets. We understand exactly what these lines tell us to do, whether it be to stay on a particular side of the road or to park in a certain section of asphalt. It would be very easy to cross these lines, to drive from one corner of a parking lot to the opposite corner in a straight line, causing us to cross many of these lines. Each one of us has done this on multiple occasions. We know how easy it is to disregard these lines.

Why then do we so meticulously obey the assumed meaning of these lines? Because they protect us. If we were to take away all these lines then it would be mass chaos everywhere, and along with this chaos would be catastrophe.

This is easy to see when looking at traffic, but what about in other aspects of life. We have all created personal boundaries or lines. Most people are able to understand and recognize where these boundaries are for others. However there is a much larger difficulty in respecting the boundaries of everyone because unlike the lines in the middle of the road, there are no clear cut labels telling what to do.

The lack of specific directions of what to do in any given circumstance dealing with interactions with other people creates confusion. We often make mistakes. This is what makes relationships with other people so difficult to start. We are constantly trying to understand what lines to stay in, the places to avoid, places where we need to speed up or slow down, or even where we need to use extreme caution.

It is true that society will teach where many of these lines are, and even more of these lines are highlighted by our conscience. We are not left completely guessing what we can and cannot do. The expectations that are placed before us are not completely hidden. But even though we have a general idea of actions we need to take, it would be so much easier if we understood more of societies hidden lines. However I suppose that it takes a lifetime to understand these lines with any degree of certainty, and by that time many of these lines will have shifted.

A survey

2009-02-27T23:53:00.000-08:00

http://qtrial.qualtrics.com/SE?SID=SV_6zKjGHoRFEF8zVG&SVID=Prod

My sister has entered into a competition at work to get her companies product out to the public. It is survey creating software online. Please answer this simple question. Thanks a ton and if you can add a quick question on your blog too that would be greatly appreciated.

Music, A Gateway to the Soul

2009-02-06T20:22:00.000-08:00

Music is my life. It has become apparent that I just do better in life when I have music. I perform better in sports if I listen to music before I play. When I want to change my mood the best way to do that is through music. When I want to get frustrations out in a non destructive way it is through music.

Why does music have this profound effect? I think that the reasons are different in many cases for different people, but some principles are universal.

I am very much a lyric listener, meaning I pay attention to the lyrics and that affects in a big way if i like the song or not. For those who are like me in this sense find that the words are able to express how we feel in a way that we can't. It becomes an outlet for the feelings that are bottled up and can't be expressed any other way.

As for sports it takes the right kind of music to get me pumped and invigorated. I find that lyrics for this situation are not as important as the beat and rhythm. It gets the blood flowing and the heart beating. And more importantly it gets you in the right mind set for getting physical and working hard.

I have many playlists for the many different moods that I may be in. I have my basketball playlist, my I hate girls playlist, my girls are awesome playlist, my general frustration with life playlist, and a few more.

I also find great joy in performing music and even more from writing music. This way I can express the thoughts that I am having. Years after the fact I can find different things from what I initially tried to convey in songs i wrote. And that to me is really cool.

"Why can't you just love me back"

2009-01-17T00:02:00.000-08:00

I will start off by saying that this is not a topic that I have the answers for. I was asked to explore a question that I have asked several times myself, yet I have not been able to solidly answer it so far in my life. Yet I will try and write down the observations that I have made. The question is why we like people that don't like us back.

This is something that I'm sure all of us have experienced at some point in our dating lives. Guys have inevitably asked a girl out only to be rejected. Girls have waited for that guy to ask them out, only to find themselves continually waiting. That's a minor example of this phenomenon. And maybe doesn't really approach the heart of the matter because in these cases we only think there is potential that we will develop real interest in this person.

What about those times that we actually spend time and get to know the person that we are interested in? We get to see the qualities that we are looking for in them. At this point we may genuinely like this person. But then we are crushed because they don't share the same interest in us.

Human nature makes us attracted to many different individuals as we try and find a potential spouse. The attraction is felt on many different levels. When it reaches a certain level we throw on the term "like." The reasons for liking someone are vast and very much different for every situation we are in. The thing that connects each of these situations is that they have one or more qualities that we are seeking in a partner.

But not everyone is seeking the same qualities. And we certainly don't all possess the same qualities. Often we want someone who possesses the qualities that we don't have, but need in our life. It is hard to match these up. Thus making it so that we like someone who does not like us back.

One other thought is based on timing. When a relationship is going to be started it requires the right timing. People gain interest on different time tables. Only when the times happen to match up will a relationship actually happen.

Understanding this cycle doesn't make it any easier to be in this predicament. It also doesn't allow us to know how to prevent this from happening either. But maybe it allows us to gain some sense that its ok to be in this predicament.

Jumping Through Hoops

2009-01-16T16:04:00.000-08:00

It has become apparent to me that in order for me to get anything that I want I am being forced to jump through a series of hoops. It has been a little frustrating at times and I have wondered very seriously, why can't something I want just come easy to me right now? The more that I have thought about it the more clear the answer has become.

Recent challenges have made me put a lot of effort into accomplishing anything. Things don't seem to come as easily as they used to. And I think that this is how life is supposed to be. We cannot become truly great in anything without having to overcome obstacles. Why is this? Because strength comes through resistance. This is a truth that we constantly hear from those who we consider successful.

But I think there is something more to it then just overcoming these obstacles. I recently found this quote from Theodore Roosevelt, “the boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats.” I think this puts things into a slightly different perspective.

What does it take to "win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats?" I guess that we have to figure out what the competitor is that we are winning over before we can really understand what this phrase means. We are trying to defeat our natural tendencies to take the easy route, where the rewards aren't as great. So we could say that our competitor is our own self.

This places a greater responsibility on ones self for success. Obviously there are other factors that can affect the outcomes of our efforts, but I don't think that is what it is all about. Sometimes the greatest successes come from doing hard things even though we know we are going to fail.

So much of "success" in life is dependent on our attitude and our desire to make things happen. This is exactly what Roosevelt was saying. That in order to become a great man or woman we must make the conscious decision to do whatever it takes to get what we want.

As I have so often been reminded. We can't achieve anything until we experience failure.

Who we really are, does it change

2009-01-16T00:07:00.000-08:00

People are very interesting creatures. It seems that so often that I am drawn to look at who I am and how things have progressed over the years. It is apparent that I am not the same as I was when I was eleven. What brought about these noticeable differences in my behavior? Am I really a different person then I was eleven years ago? Have these changes made me different person? The answer may come in looking at myself eleven years ago, and then looking at myself now, and then comparing the two.

Eleven years ago I moved to Fort Collins. I quickly became friends with my neighbor Matt. We did many things together including; entertaining people, spiritual church stuff, getting into trouble, and pretty much everything you would expect friends to do together, except go to school together. I didn't talk much with anyone but Matt and my family. Everyone else was essentially just an acquaintance on some level or another. I really struggled socially.

My focus was on reading. I could be found reading when I wasn't doing homework or doing things with my friends and family. I was reading books that would not be expected for kids of my age. I was forced into participating in music because my parents thought it would be good for me. I hadn't watched a sports game, aside from a couple nuggets games, up to this point. I failed to see what was so interesting in them.

Simply put, at age eleven I was a complete NERD!!!!

What is it that makes me who I am today? I spend a good portion of the day seeking people that I can interact with. I love people and prefer to spend most of my time with other people. I have a good base of friends and love meeting new people.

Sports are probably the biggest focus in my life aside from school, church, and girls. I devote a lot of time to playing and watching many different sports. I have a passion for music. It still has a strong influence in all that I do. It really connects everything else in my life. And i actually seek out opportunities to play musical instruments of all varieties.

On the surface it would seem that I am a new person, that my personality has been altered. What has caused this change? As I have grown I have been able to experience more differing situations. It would be easy to say that my essential character has changed. But I wish to present a different view point. Our essential character doesn't change, our circumstances allow us to understand ourselves better and our true self becomes more apparent.

I base some of this on conversations I've had with family members. They don't really notice any changes in who I really am. According to them I have the same personality traits and behavioral tendencies.

As I have pondered on how I have grown and developed I think that my mission changed a lot of my perspectives. I learned a lot through study and observation and even just being forced to adapt to different situations. A few of the most important bits of knowledge gained were insights into who I really am and what I really enjoy.

Doctrines of gospel which were greatly researched during my days as a missionary also point to this same idea. Knowing about existence before this life and knowing that we had the same personality then are very significant in this analysis. Our spirits are in a constant struggle to overcome our mortal bodies. So the more we learn about ourselves the more we discover what our spirits really are. Our spirit is what our essential character really is. And that is not something that is easily changed, if at all.

Predictability

2009-01-07T23:05:00.000-08:00

Life is complicated. There are thousands of different paths and destinations that we can end up on. One decision we make can alter the path that we are taking significantly.

There are many more options presented before us then we would ever consider. With each decision we have to make we normally narrow the choices down to two or three choices. This is a subconscious process with our minds quickly eliminating outlandish ideas.

What we do with the remaining choices is often very predictable. Everyone will react to situations differently then other people, but will react the same way when put in similar situations. The exception to this rule is when previous actions have resulted in harmful outcomes to ourselves. Human nature makes us want to do what is best for our self preservation. The more experiences we have the more that we understand what has the potential to injure us physically, emotionally, or whatever it may be.

As we drive this becomes very apparent. An individual may drive above the speed limit consistently for a long period of time, but the instant that the individual is caught and ticketed this behavior changes. For a small period of time at least. After a while the memory can fade and previous behaviors re-introduced.

The outward actions are a little more obvious to see this trend in ourselves. Sometimes it takes a lot more to see this in the emotional decisions we have to make, emotional decisions being those that don’t directly affect effect our physical self, but have other consequences effecting our happiness or emotional well-being.

What makes this one more difficult is that we don’t always understand what is going to be in our best interest with these decisions. When I am making the decision of when to cross the street I can tell when a car is going to hit me or not, so it becomes very easy. The emotional decisions often have factors that are beyond our control and which we cannot specifically determine till we take action.

We often calculate the outcomes of our various decisions and when we do this we usually come to the same conclusions. If someone has made fun of us for having a particular viewpoint then we probably won’t bring up that viewpoint again with that same person. Even if the other individual would have acted differently, we base our decisions on the past.

This is why it becomes easier to predict someones actions the more you get to know them. You begin to share the same experiences that they have and see how they react in different situations. Most people are not as complex as we make them out to be. It just means getting to know them, which a lot of people don’t take the time to do.

People are predictable and self protecting.

New Years Resolutions

2009-01-03T00:25:00.000-08:00

It is the time of year where people make promises that they will change some aspect of their life that is less then perfect. The new year brings a sense of newness into peoples lives, a rejuvenation of purpose. I think this new beginning is great, but I feel that new years resolutions are ineffective.

At New Years how often do we here of someone promising they will quit smoking, starting a new exercise routine, or some new diet? Everywhere we turn people are starting new things or giving up bad habits, and while they have the best intentions and put forth effort, inevitably most will fail to keep this up for more then a week. Why is this phenomenon so rampant? Is it because no one can handle the changes they promote so heavily?

I believe that the technique in proper execution of accomplishing goals is cast aside when it comes to these resolutions. Most likely we will choose some large, semi-vague goal, attempt to tackle it all at once, and then fall flat on our face trying to accomplish it in a matter of days. Sound familiar.

There is a way to avoid this. What does it take to actually accomplish any goal worth setting? Break it down. When we understand that it will be a process to achieve success we are more likely to accomplish what we set out to do. Michael Jordan didn't become a legend in a week. It took years for him to attain his high level of athletic ability. And this is how it will be with all of us.

I believe that most of our thought out new years resolutions are good, if not great. They are worthwhile improvements to make in our lives. Let us each take the time and make the effort to breakdown our goals into achievable ones. We can have a great year as we actually keep our new years resolutions.

Yea 2009!!!

The Day I Almost Died

2008-12-30T00:54:00.000-08:00

So today I made an almost fatal mistake and i wish to share this so that people can know what to avoid in the future. I know its a bit of a shift from the normal thoughts that I share on here, but please bear with me. The next post will be a return to the original type of thoughts.

Tonight after basketball a few of us decided to go hot-tubing. We thought that this would be a wonderful way to unwind after such a tiring activity. So we drove up to a house in the mountains to enjoy this hot tub. Upon arrival I noticed that there was a very severe wind, which made it a little more difficult to open the car door. It was bone-chilling walking to the door where Danny let us in the door.

After getting settled down on the couches and waiting for everyone to arrive, we discussed the current situation and decided that we would still go out to the hot tub, despite the adverse weather conditions. So Colin, Danny, Kimee and I all got ready to go outside. I was a little slower to get outside because of a texting conversation I was having.

Danny and Colin removed the cover and attempted to carry it to be set out of the way. Almost immediately the wind grabbed hold of the cover and dragged Danny and Colin across the balcony right into Kimee's face. No significant injuries were sustained.

I finally dragged myself outside and witnessed the aftermath of this event and helped bring the cover inside. After which we all jumped into the hot tub. I, out of instinct almost had grabbed my phone and brought it with me. After a few minutes I realized how foolish this action was. My fingers could hardly move and I had to keep my hand out of the hot water to keep the phone from being blown into the water.

After five minutes of torture to my hand I finally just set the phone down on the ground just outside of the hot tub. I put my hand into the hot water and found quick relief to the numbing cold of the wind. I assumed that it was going to get better from here on out.

I soon found out that a cold hand was the least of my concerns. After another ten minutes went by my right hand cramped up and I could no longer fully extend my fingers. Everyone soon new my situation due to the shouts of panic I let out. Before I knew it my other hand was doing the same thing. I could really figure out what to do, so I finally just let my hands adjust to the seemingly scalding water. Eventually the hands stopped spasming and were able to once again flex correctly.

No sooner did this happen when I realized that my feet were on the heat source, which was a little hot for my taste. The only way I could adjust was to stretch out on my side of the tub. Things seemed to be ok for the moment and I was happy, for a moment.

We soon turned on the jets to massage our backs. The jets laughed in my face, and by laughing I mean splashing water into my face. I now had to continually dip my head in the water to keep it from getting numb. This however lead to a problem I hadn't completely realized. By getting my face wet, the face would cool down significantly faster, making dips more frequent and more rewarding.

Before I knew it everyone had shifted positions due to the wind direction and were now leaning on me. I'm not entirely sure how it happened, because I was distracted by a very cold face, but it seemed very sudden. The other three had plenty of room to stretch out, while I was left curled up and trapped by the heads placed on my body.

After getting blasted by the frigid air, I succombed to peer pressure and layed down in the same direction as everyone else in the pool. This proved to be an almost fatal decision on my part. After a little time had passed I found myself lodged against the side wall with colin still moving in my direction, even though he was pretty close to me already.

Danny suddenly jumped out of the water and bolted inside. I turned to look at his graceful run back to warmth and shelter from the wind, and was greeted with a large splash of water in my face. This new position I found to not be in my favor. The jet would splash water onto my face every few seconds, leaving my face more and more exposed to the air. Colin was quick to let me know the reason for my face being extra cold. I hadn't shaved for a few days.

"You should have shaved this morning," Colin shouted over the roar of the wind
"I didn't know things were going to be like this," I quickly defended myself.
"You're a boy scout, you should be prepared for things like this."
"I thought I looked good like this."
"But you should have shaved it off this morning."
"I wanted to wait till next week."
"I bet your going to shave it off tomorrow."
"I'll forget by tomorrow, who am I kidding, I'll remember it tomorrow."
"That's for sure, you bearded man."

We had many conversations like this one, all pointing to how ill prepared we were for this experience. Mostly making fun of my particular circumstances. Then we discovered that Colin had been sitting on the heat source for quite some time. I fight for the hot spot then ensued between Colin and Kimee, with Colin eventually agreeing to share rights to the hot spot.

I soon chimed in that it would be a good idea to let me experience some warmth from the heat source. We shifted and I was placed over the hot spot, but I couldn't feel any extra heat. Colin quickly pushed me down into the water so that I could get warmed up, but I still didn't really notice a difference. Upon mentioning this fact I was kicked out of my spot and found myself standing in the cold air, pretty exposed. I decided that this may be the time to make my dash to house. So I got out of the hot tub and remembered that I had my phone out there and turned around to grab it. I then dashed inside greeted by warmth and a dry towel.

It took several more minutes for Kimee to come in, shivering and grateful for the warmth. As Kimee saw Colin making a run for the door she blocked the door so that Colin couldn't come inside. We were able to witness Colin do a clever hop around dance to stay warm, and thankfully a few seconds later Kimee let him in.

We all warmed up for about fifteen more minutes and then we decided to put the cover back on. With four of us holding the cover we felt that it would work out better then the attempt to take it off. It carried us a little ways at first, but then we were able to get the cover on, with a loud thud as the wind pushed the fold into its proper position. We latched it and ran back inside, at which point I suggested that we never do that again.

Family

2008-12-21T23:47:00.000-08:00

Hopefully this makes sense as I write it. The thoughts that I have had make sense to me and I hope that I can convey what I mean effectively.

I have been in Arizona for the last few days visiting my Aunt and Uncle, my two cousins, Grandma, and my dad, brother, and sister. When I was first told about our trip my thoughts turned to how much different life is for me when I am down in Phoenix. I was sad to be leaving behind my friends in Fort Collins, and all the fun things that I do with them. It hadn't quite settled on me that I had the opportunity to see some important people that I hadn't heard from, let alone seen for about a year. Needless to say I was less then enthusiastic about my trip out of town.

The last three days have changed my perspective in what I consider a significant way. I think that it is easy to take family for granted when they live in town like mine does. I can easily just drive across town to see them almost any time that I want to. When I woke up on Saturday morning to the sounds of my three year old cousin, it didn't take long before I went out to see my family. It was really surprising to see how much my two cousins had changed in a short year. I feel like they are almost twice as big. The three year old can actually form sentences and respond somewhat logically when I talk with him. So what did I miss in this last year.

I was talking with my aunt for about an hour just sharing different experiences from the past year. I was fascinated to find out how much things had actually changed for her family in the last year. And I had absolutely no idea. But on the same note, my aunt had no idea about half of the changes that had happened to me in the last year. (she does get frequent updates from my dad and so she knows a bit about me.)

The fascinating thing is the fact that nothing had changed in our relationships. We were able to pick up right where we left off. This hardly ever happens with our friends. Sometimes we have a close enough friendship with someone that long periods between contact don't really affect anything. With these friends we can see the same effect take place.

So what is it that is so important about family? What is this special bond that can bridge almost any obstacle, whether it be time and space away from each other, trials that may come, or even difficulties between family members themselves?

Even in non-traditional families this same bond can be seen, though in a different light. Maybe the bond between the mother and the father can be severed and that relationship changes, but this doesn't necessarily change the relationship between the children and each individual parent. It almost becomes a revitalization in some situations, where previous barriers are dissolved and a relationship can continue on and be like it would have been if the barrier had never been there. I have seen this in talking with many different friends, and through other observations, and so far i haven't really found any discrepancies in the results.

So obviously the family has a role that cannot be replaced, no matter how much we can try. Even though my friends play a huge role in my life right now, I always turn to my family for so much that my friends can't really offer to me. And this isn't to discredit my friends at all. They are fantastic. I don't know what I would do without them.

I do however know what i would do without each member of my family. I won't go into details here, but as I have reflected I have come to know the role of each family member in my life, and the gaps that would be present in my life. I don't think that anyone else could really fill those roles.

I think that no matter what our family circumstance is, we have something to be grateful for. They do so much for us, even if we are oblivious to this fact.

I am truly grateful for my family and everything they mean to me. And at this time of year I think that is something that comes out in everyone. No matter what phase in life we are in. And that's why families come together during the holiday season. Because we each have some family tie that gets realized, and which we honor with our time.

How wonderful it is to have our families. Cherish them for all the good that they bring. And forget the pain that some individuals cause. These actions will bring us joy and happiness this Christmas season and as long as we keep that as a focus.

My recent hiatus

2008-12-16T12:08:00.000-08:00

I realize that it has been several days since I last posted anything. I have had much going on trying to get back into CSU. Luckily I am back in now and I am registered for classes so i no longer have to worry about that task. I will have time once again to write down my deep thoughts. Look forward to another post coming tonight. It has been several days in the making.

Assumptions

2008-12-15T02:22:00.000-08:00

Life is filled with the need to interact with other people. Our actions are often based on how we feel these other individuals will respond. But it is impossible to know exactly how others feel towards everything. In order to bridge this gap we often make assumptions based on our own thoughts and ideas.

Sometimes this is very beneficial, for it allows us to progress more fully without all the setbacks that could happen. So sometimes it can be good to make assumptions. But we are never completely accurate in our assumptions. In fact at times we are usually wrong. This is not necessarily harmful, but it can be. Incorrect assumptions can ruin friendships and other relationships under some circumstances.

I have noticed that the most harm is done when people relay their assumptions to others, which in turn are regarded as fact. When false knowledge is spread around and is significant enough then reputations are ruined. Peoples egos become deflated and it can take significant amounts of time to restore that which was lost.

Other times we assume that people understand what we are doing, that they know what we want, or that they understand our needs. So often this is not the case. This type of assumption affects us in several ways. The first way is that we are often hurt because we create expectations of how someone will act which are not always fulfilled. But should we necessarily be hurt or disappointed by this? It would be unwise to do this. "They should have known" is a phrase that I hear much to often. While it is true that in some situations people do know exactly what you need, so often this is not the case.

How many times do we look back at things and say I should have done this or that? I do it all the time. It is often so obvious what we should have done when we look back at the situation. But it is so easy to overlook the obvious while in the moment. We hope that others will look past our missed actions. Because we understand the situation we feel justified in this hope. But having this attitude means that we should turn around and understand that this could very well have happened when others fell short of our expectations.

Let us not be so careless as to make inaccurate assumptions. It may be safer to not make assumptions at all. And so that others don't make incorrect assumptions that hurt you, voice the things that matter. Don't be unwise about it. But keep in mind that sometimes those around us need a little help in helping you.

What drives me?

2008-12-12T00:56:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure if i should post this or not. But I decided that perhaps others might enjoy looking at what motivates me. And perhaps by reading this you will ponder on your priorities in life. And trust me, it took a lot of introspection to come to a lot of the conclusions that led to this post.

Over this past year I have had a lot of things change for me. If you had asked me what I would be doing right now, when I moved back to Fort Collins, I never would have guessed correctly. Some of the changes have been for the better, and others have not been so positive.

One huge unexpected thing for me was having this year off from school. I won't go into details here, but CSU hasn't let me take classes for various reasons that really don't make sense to me. Although it is frustrating to have been delayed in my education, I consider the growth that has come to me from it.

I was on the fast track to becoming a doctor. Which really isn't that fast compared to anything other then just a regular graduation path for a doctor. I had chosen this because it just seemed to be a good idea. I knew that I could enjoy a few aspects of this career, but I will admit that I was mostly just looking at the financial aspects. With the semester off I decided that it would be a good idea to really think of what i want to do for a career. In order to do this I felt it required really thinking of what my priorities in life are, and making sure I could accomplish my priorities.

What is most important to me? What should be important to me? What is it that drives me in life? By answering these questions I felt that I could better pick a major/career.

The most prominent thing that drives me to do what I do is my Love of the Lord. If attending every Institute class this semester wasn't a good sign of this let me show this even more plainly. I have had many experiences in the last 5-6 years that have significantly shaped me spiritually. Things that i learned as a priest still remain with me, especially my testimony. I have had to turn to the Lord to get me through my greatest trials and moments of weakness.

I think to my mission and the months that I spent with a broken foot and other foot problems. During these moments of excruciating pain I was put on a bike for a transfer (6 weeks). I physically could not pedal the bike with both legs, which caused a great inconsistency in muscle use. I did not have the most encouraging companion at the time. In fact, he openly tried to make my life miserable. I was brought down to one of the lowest points I've ever been in during my life. I cannot go into details in such a public setting, but I wish to point out that during the moments where I could go no further, I came to truly understand what the Love of my Savior can do for me. I cannot express how much my relationship with Him changed in those moments. I have developed an incredibly deep love for my Savior and feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and indebtedness to Him.

This experience, and many others, has made the Savior the number one priority in my life. I am driven to do whatever I can to be worthy of these profound blessings that have been pronounced upon me.

My second priority is my family. Right now it is impossible to describe what all my family has done for me. No one else has been as loyal to me as my family. I know that I can always count on support through the trials. I anticipate that my future family will also fill a similar, though somewhat different role. I don't wish to elaborate on this topic much because I feel that most will understand what a family means to an individual. I also feel that good friends can fit into this category, however I understand that the relationship there is not usually as deep.

My third priority in life is to make other people happy. I find that I do this in two ways. The first is that I make people laugh. I find great joy in making other people laugh. In addition to this I am very happy when I am able to help my friends, and other people in general, to be able to overcome different challenges. I have gone through cycles in my life where at times I will have several people coming to me for advice, and then there are the times where no one is coming to me. I find that I feel a lot more complete when I am able to share my thoughts with those around me.

The fourth priority in my life is music. I constantly have music in my life. I started learning how to play the piano as a young child. This has been a huge benefit to me. Music is a great outlet to me now. It helps me to be able to put my thoughts together and sometimes to really understand what I am feeling. I now focus on other instruments. I find that the guitar allows me to express myself easier. The songs that have the most meaning to me are the ones that I can relate to. I've noticed that some songs can say the things that I cannot fully express with words alone. Music has become my passion for that reason. Ever pulled up beside me in the car? You will see the proof.

My list goes on, but I will end my list here because these are the ones that affect me the most. As I began to truly understand what I need in life, (sometimes you just need to remind yourself), I realized that my current career path could use a change. While I think I could have done a good job being a doctor, I would have had to abandon some of the things that make me who I am. I would not have had much time for my family and I would not be able to do anything music related. That is not something I am willing to do. And its mostly the family time factor.

So I have now been able to find something that will allow me to continue with the things that motivate me for the rest of my life. I am grateful for that.

Pessimism

2008-12-11T00:32:00.000-08:00

“A pessimist is someone who feels bad when he feels good for fear he will feel worse when he feels better.”

I saw this quote as I was preparing to leave the institute today and it really grabbed my attention. I did not fully understand this quote when I first read it, but after a little bit of pondering I feel that I have somewhat of an idea what is being said in this statement.

So often we as humans ponder our future more then the present. We see that there is potential for our situation to either improve or to worsen, but rarely will there be true consistency in our lives. Because our lives can change almost instantaneously at times it is easy to be fearful of what the future holds. A focus on the future can prove detrimental at times. This is what the quote speaks of.

When a person is consistently fearful that the situation will worsen, this will become an expectation. When negative outcomes are expected, it is natural to see more of the negative in everything. This attitude allows people to think that even if something good happens its not really that good, because now the situation only has more opportunity to get worse. This is the equivalent to putting on blinders blocking out good things.

Imagine going through life with this kind of attitude. It would be miserable. Yet so often we adopt this mentality, using it as an excuse or rationalization for remaining in our current situation. Why do we do this? Because in one point of view it is easier to think that it just won't work out. If we think that things are never going to work out, we will never be disappointed. However this method of self protection can only harm us.

When we go through life with a positive attitude we focus on the fact that good can happen to us, we seek that. The more we focus on good things the easier it will be to see them. We will indeed be able to have an increased sense of peace, and be better suited to take on the tragedies of life.

Our life is what we truly expect it to be. If we expect things to turn out poorly, they will. At least in our eyes. The converse is true as well. In our human nature we have a combination of both attitudes because we have experienced different emotions with different situations. So most often we are not completely pessimistic or optimistic. Usually, we lie fairly close to the middle. But we can change that with applied effort.

In the past I have had “positive days.” On these days I attempt to block out all negative thoughts and only think about positive things. It has been impossible to completely reach this goal. But I noticed a significant difference in my demeanor. I was happier, not because my situation had changed, but my attitude and focus had. I could see good where I otherwise would have been disappointed. It was amazing to me.

The true challenge in life is to be able to see the positive in everything. Even the greatest are perfect in this. But the resounding words of our former prophet echo in my mind to “try a little harder” and “be a little better.” What would the world be like if everyone were just a little more optimistic?

Missed Cues

2008-12-09T00:34:00.001-08:00

Relationships with friends, co workers, acquaintances, colleagues, and especially with romantic interests can be complicated. We try so hard to please people that we find interesting and that we like. But so often we miss great opportunities to greatly improve the relationships that we have.

Why do we miss these opportunities? I believe that one reason we do it is because we become so focused on what we want to see happen that we don’t recognize the things that will improve the happiness of the other individual.

When interacting with our friends it is uncommon to seek to make the other person upset by intentionally avoiding the things that bring them the most joy. In my experience we genuinely seek for the betterment of our friends and loved ones. Why then do we not see the opportunities placed before us? The obvious answer is simply because we don’t see them. However I think that there is more to it in many cases.

In my efforts to try and improve relationships with friends, I have often glanced over the fact that people require different elements of emotional, physical, and mental recognition. I have been guilty of looking only at one aspect when I should have been more observant and understood that the answer was right in front of me. And I’m sure that I am not alone in this fault.

The question then arises, are we being bad friends, or even worse, being bad to our friends? It would be easy to say yes if you were the individual that was needing more and making attempts to improve the relationship. But I really don’t think that it makes us inherently bad people. In these situations I am honestly trying to do things to help my friend, I’m just looking in the wrong places.

Does this suggest that I don’t understand my friends well enough? In some cases I believe that the answer is yes. But even with my closest friends I am not perfect. I find myself all too often missing the cues. The signals that should be setting off red flags. When looking back at different situations it is obvious that I have missed the perfect opportunity to bless someones life.

It is impossible in my mind to notice every signal thrown at you, but I do think that improvements can be made. How can this be done? I don’t have a perfect answer. But the thought that is coming to my mind is to broaden our vision, to be able the step out of our natural thought processes. This requires a significant mental effort, but I think that the pay off can be so rewarding if we can only take a moment to understand the needs of those around us.

Every relationship can be improved, and this is how I am going to attempt to increase the bonds that I have with every one of my friends. But forgive me if I still miss lots of cues. My simple mind cannot understand it all.

Happiness

2008-12-08T09:36:00.000-08:00

President David O. McKay one said, “True happiness comes only by making others happy.” When I heard this quote I immediately began to question the validity of this statement.

What is happiness?

The answer is not simple. I actually believe that this is a question that can take a lifetime to understand. I only want to share what I have learned in the years of experience that I have had. There have been many points in my life where I have been able to say that I was truly happy, intermingled with moments of being unhappy. I believe that the answer to what happiness can be better understood by analyzing the commonalities among these situations.

In order to discover this I will try and discuss the times that I have been most happy. The most prominent moments that come to my mind are as follows: witnessing baptisms or temple sealings on my mission, watching seemingly important sporting events with favorable outcomes, spending time with friends, and when I’ve fulfilled difficult tasks whatever they may be.

A missionaries purpose is to invite people to come unto Christ with the ultimate goal of baptism and accepting of temple covenants. With this singular focus in all activities, it became apparent where the happiness would come from. This happiness is incremental with small amounts of joy coming from people actually taking time to listen to you. Greater amounts of happiness can be found in witnessing an individual accepting the gospel and entering into the covenant of baptism. The ultimate happiness as a missionary is experienced as someone taught receives his or her own endowment.

My fondest memory remains with the family that I taught in my first area who I was able to see get baptized. The husband was a less active member and had the privilege of baptizing his wife and daughter. After a year and half I was able to attend the sealing of the family. What an amazing experience this was and I still find joy and happiness in thinking about what took place that day.

What is it that brought that happiness in the moment the event took place, and what perpetuates that happiness now? As I read the journal entry I wrote on the day of the baptism I focus much on the moment the husband baptized his wife. After she came out of the water she tenderly embraced her husband, an act that caused a flood of emotions to overcome everyone. At the sealing I could see an overwhelming sense of happiness on the faces of everyone in the family. In both of these instances I was happy mostly because I could tell that they were happy.

I regularly keep in contact with this family and when I see the progress that they have made in the three and a half years I have known them, I am overcome with a sense of happiness because I know that they have been truly converted and have the same potential for eternal joy that I experience. So I think that the happiness has evolved into something deeper. I am now happy because of what the future holds and not the singular moment that occurred. This happiness is more lasting.

I also experience joy in sports. But what I feel in these circumstances is significantly different then what I feel when I reflect on baptisms. When I watch sports I get emotionally involved. But the joy does not just come in watching any sporting event, I require some attachment to one team or the other. I need to have a vested interest in the outcome of the game. I easily become apathetic when my team is losing, and I gain a certain amount of ecstasy when my team is winning. This is escalated when I am actually participating in the sporting event, with the pinnacle of my happiness coming with an important win in basketball. But this happiness is fleeting. With a lack of concern coming within a few days at most.

Spending time with friends is very important to me. I find it to be almost a need to be able to talk to someone that I consider to be a friend, even if they are only a superficial friend. This makes it very joyous to be able to have social interactions with friends. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do with my friends, as long as they are with me I seem to be happy. I have noticed that the most memorable times are ones where I can have friends laughing with me. Especially when I am the one sharing the joke.

The final type of activity that I would like to discuss would be accomplishing a difficult task that has been placed before me. We all have a sense of what is difficult and mentally put a barrier around what we think we can do. This is called our comfort zone. Often times we are required to step outside our comfort zone when given assignments in the work area and in school. It is normal to feel that these tasks are beyond our abilities and nearly impossible. But despite what we feel, we approach these overwhelming tasks. When I am able to successfully complete these assignments, (which I think usually occurs, due to the fact that we underestimate our potential), I develop and sense of happiness and pride in knowing that I actually have the ability that I doubted I actually possessed. This happiness generally lasts until I have another difficult assignment or I have forgotten how much I worked towards completion.

There are many differences in the happiness that is experienced in each one of these activities, but I am also able to see many common points or trends.

The first trend I noticed was the correlation between a level of involvement with other people and how much I was able to affect their level of happiness. So I would say that the greatest joy that I have experienced was bringing others into the gospel of Jesus Christ. Each of these experiences was very personal and the joy brought to these individuals is eternal in nature. Next in line I place accomplishing difficult tasks. With this the personal involvement with the one giving you the assignment varies, but is still somewhat deep because otherwise there would be no motivation to try otherwise. The happiness is the longest lasting of all the temporal happiness that we can experience. Third in line is spending time with friends. Spending time with friends has a high level of personal involvement with those around you, but the happiness is often fleeting. After the friends have left boredom can quickly settle in. Lastly, we consider the happiness brought through sports. This happiness has almost no connection to other peoples happiness, and does not have much staying power in most situations. This makes sports a very temporal form of happiness.

The things that bring me happiness are not the same things that will bring everyone happiness. But I argue that a similar trend will appear with everyone. We really do find the greatest happiness the more that we are able to help other people. The more selfless we are and the more can affect the happiness of others, the happier we will be.

Another thing that I noticed is that my happiness is based on my priorities. Each of the four items I discussed were things that I tend to have a high level of concern for. I desired for a particular outcome and when I was able to achieve that outcome the happiness came. I do not expect that I would gain any happiness in gardening. This is not a priority in my life on any level. This doesn’t make gardening a wrong thing to do. Our priorities often shift and so under the right circumstances I could learn to gain joy in gardening. Although I do not see that happening any time soon.

It is not difficult for me to find happiness when I am having a good conversation with a cute girl. I do not find it difficult to be happy when my sports team is winning. It is not hard for me to find joy when someone accepts the gospel of Jesus Christ. These are things that I care about, and I spend a large portion of my day thinking about these things.

Our level of happiness is not based solely on external forces. If this were the case a much smaller portion of the world would be happy. A huge factor in our happiness is whether or not happiness is our desired outcome. I wish to bring up another personal example that will illustrate my final point.

During the past month I have experience varying degrees of joy and misery. The interesting thing is that circumstances have changed only minimally. My priorities have been consistent. Yet a month I wasn’t happy and today I am extremely happy. What changed? My attitude changed. I chose to be happy and content with what I have been given. This was not a conscious effort either, but rather just a natural cycle that minds go through. However I believe that we can have a large degree of control over this mental cycle. If we choose to be happy more often we will be.

It becomes our task to use the agency God has given us in ways that will being about happiness in our lives. Take a look at the things that individually bring you happiness and do what you can to increase your level of happiness. This is possible for all of us. Let us each make a special effort to do the things that will increase our long term happiness, which most likely will take us outside of ourselves.

Thankfulness Amidst Adversity

2008-12-07T01:10:00.000-08:00

With Thanksgiving having just ended and the Christmas season upon us, I have had the opportunity to ponder recently on many aspects of life, and the reasons for gratitude. As many of you know, my life has not turned as I expected this last year. As a result it has been an interesting mental journey to figure out what exactly it is that I should be grateful for.

I would take you on the mental journey that I went on, but a good portion of it is far too personal for a medium like this. So I choose to leave out the first portion of my thought process. I however would like to share where I ended up on this journey, for I fear that is the important part anyway.

As a background to lead in to my thoughts let me say this. Life has not been easy. I have had to deal with problems, as all people do. During the last year certain events have transpired that have made it difficult at times to remain truly happy.

But amidst all this I still remain extremely grateful for what I have. Maybe the circumstances have actually caused me to be more grateful then I otherwise would have been. The more that I think about it, the more I begin to understand that unforeseen changes should be expected. What would life be without all these twists and turns? It would be predictable, it would be boring. Life would ultimately become stagnant and we wouldn’t see any progression. As I look back on this year I can see a considerable change in myself. A change that could only have occurred had I gone through this refiners fire.

I have learned a great deal about attitude and how that effects out happiness. It would be extremely easy for me to want to give up, to go around depressed. But I choose to not let the circumstances around me affect my happiness. That is beyond my control. As long as I know that I am remaining faithful in my covenants I have every right to be grateful for what God sees fit to bestow upon me at present. I truly have been given many opportunities and I expect to continue to learn and grow in the ways that God wants me to. Thus, while life has been challenging and has seemed to hand me more then my fair share of trials, I feel a sense of happiness. A joy that cannot be taken away from me. I am grateful for the wonderful support that I have had through this all. Those who have stood by me and helped me when I needed can truly be counted as friends.

Fear

2008-12-05T12:47:00.000-08:00

Overcoming fear is one of the hardest things to do in life. We all have fears. Whether large or small, they are present with each one of us. Each of us has our own unique set of fears. A set which makes us our own person.

What is the purpose of fears? We know that most fears are present to protect us in some form or another. God has given men basic instincts in order for men to survive. Without fear we humans would be more prone to do things contrary to our own safety. Essentially we would be prone to slowly destroy ourselves.

But we seem to develop fears outside of the basic survival instincts. These are the fears that are unique to us. Ones that don't seem to protect our physical well being, but rather something more personal, and maybe more meaningful. The fears that I mention here are ones that protect our ego, our character, our emotional well being. Lets call these ego fears.

Which of these is more important? The answer to this begins with a look at the surrounding of the individual we are considering. In early human history it would be easy to argue that the innate sense of survival was what perpetuated the human race, and was therefore the more important of the two fears. As time has progressed we notice a complete change in society where physical survival becomes less of an issue to the average individual. With this shift we can see a deeper level of interaction within the society. This causes a need for more of a protection of the inner self, ego fears.

How do we develop our individual ego fears? It is based on who we spend our time with. Our family in a large part can help us develop these fears. We learn what people to avoid and which people to spend our time with based in large part on things we learn growing up. However another large contributing factor is what society dictates. From society we learn to develop cliques and also that it is normal to avoid those who are different then us. The main source of acquiring ego fears differs for everyone, with family and society having different levels of prominence.

Unlike with basic instincts, ego fears can actually harm us and not allow us to be our best self. Many times we have tasks to accomplish that take several times longer because our fears don't allow us to push forward with ease. The natural man knows that staying the same is the easiest path to take. Anything that requires change becomes difficult because of the fear of failure, because this is a significant blow to our ego and pride.

But what about the need to step outside of the normal to put ourselves in a better position. Familiar examples of this can be seen in the work environment. So many times we could acquire a better position at a different job. But doing so would force us to end our current situation, which we know very well. More importantly we know that it works for us, at least to some degree. So we often stay with the mediocre instead of the great that is available.

Who do we see getting to the top? Those who have learned to control their fears in a wise way and have put there ego on the line. So how do we overcome our ego fears so we can gain the rewards? A simple way to do this is to force ourselves to take risks. While difficult the first time, and even every time down the road, it gets easier with repetition. Just like riding a bike, you don't master the technique till you have fallen and gotten scraped up a few times.

Taking risks in one aspect of our lives can make it easier for us to take risks in other aspects of our lives, whether related or unrelated. Allow me to share a personal example to fully illustrate this point. On a mission I learned how to talk to people. Over the course of two years repeated action allowed me to overcome my fear of talking to people I don't know. Entering into post mission life I noticed that it was easy to transfer this lack of fear into a different realm. Girls became my new focus and naturally I was terrified to talk them and ask them out on dates. But remembering the principles learned while constantly being rejected on the mission allowed me to have a confidence that taking these actions would again allow me to grow in a similar but different arena. Now a certain amount of that fear has left and has been replaced by new abilities. But I didn't get to this point without receiving rejection along the way.

I could go on and on about this, but I think I will end with one encouragement. Take more risks that will allow you to better yourself. Doing so will allow you to experience a greater sense of happiness then you currently enjoy.