The Secondary Friend

The secondary friend is a concept that I have been thinking about a lot lately. What is a secondary friend. This is the friend that you want to hang out with, when no one else is occupying your time. This is a friend that you like to talk to, when no one else is around. This is a friend that you will say hi to when you walk into a room, if you don't have other friends in the room. I think you get my point. This is a friend that, no matter how great, will always just be a backup to other options.

I think that we all find ourselves in this position among some friends. It is perfectly natural. You are not going to be everyones best friend. Even if you want to you can't, we all have limits, even if its only time constraints. In order to be a good friend you need to spend time with, listen to, talk with those whom you care about. Its not something that just happens without some personal sacrifices.

There are some benefits to being a secondary friend. You generally don't have to deal with all the drama. You don't have make most of the personal sacrifices of time and talents. You only have to be there when its convenient. Its pretty much a non committal friendship. Its a relationship where you can just be a one dimensional person, fulfilling just one role. eg., the funny guy, the smart guy, the caring guy, the spiritual guy, or whatever it may be.

However, with the positives come some negatives. As a secondary friend you don't have the benefit of relying on that friendship. It is very hard to get out that one dimensional role. And even when you do, it doesn't seem to offer that much of a reward. You are still only wanted if no one else can fulfill that role.

As was mentioned earlier, it is normal to be a secondary friend to the majority of our friends. But what if the situation arises where you are simply considered everyone's secondary friend, where you are not considered a good friend to anyone? This is a difficult situation which arises.

It is not fun, nor is it emotionally healthy to not have anyone to rely on. Every day life is often stressful and builds up in every individual. Like any high pressure system, there needs to be pressure release in order to keep the container from exploding. That valve is found in what we commonly term as the "venting session." That is what a good friend allows you to do. But a friend who is singularly found as a secondary friend does not have this privilege and will explode, or attempt to keep it under control without assistance. This is not an ideal situation by any means.

Simply put, no one can be a healthy individual just being a secondary friend.

Lately it has become fairly obvious to me that I am not as happy as I have been in the past. This has cause me to ponder quite a lot on why that is and how I can change that. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot going for me. I have a great girlfriend, I have good friends, I enjoy my job most of the time, and I know what I want to do with my life career wise. The problem, I do the same thing day in and day out. I have missed one week of Monday night basketball in over a year. I almost never miss a ward activity, no matter how small. I can pretty well lay out what I will be doing on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday every week. This used to be very nice, knowing that I would probably be able to have something going on every night.

I tried to take a vacation this week and that didn't work out at all. I have not left Fort Collins for more then a day or night since I went to my mission reunion last October. And that was only for 2 days.

I have begun to wonder if I let my life control me rather then controlling my life. I think that to a certain extent we have to let life control us a little bit. But we need to be able to have flexibility. I don't know how to do this. I need to be able to mix things up, but I am struggling. I can think that I need a new hobby to cause me to change and to stretch myself. I am open to a lot of different ideas.

Why I need girls

There is a pattern in my life that has always left me a little confused. It is the cycle of dating. I seem to have many opportunities to date different girls and things will go well for a month or so and then I will get crushed. Sometimes it will take weeks for me to get over the situations that arise. I often wonder why I subject myself to this time and time again knowing that this cycle has a good chance of repeating itself. The answer is very simple. I need girls in my life. Let me tell you why I have come to this conclusion.

1. I don't want a guy holding my hand

I can think of many things that make girls better then guys. One of the first things that come to mind are the small physical touches that i would never let a guy do. Examples of this include the holding of the hand, cuddling, scratching my back, and kissing. None of these things, with the exception of maybe scratching of my back, will happen with a girl that I am not interested in. I have needs in these areas and so fundamentally speaking I will continue to go back to girls time and time again.

2. The good moments usually outweigh the bad

I get screwed over by girls all the time. And IT SUCKS!!! For days or weeks on end I am upset at the world. There is a lot of pain and anguish that is only caused by my being attached to a girl and having to let go. However the good moments that come from being in a relationship are huge. When I am with a girl that I like I am happy like nothing else can make me happy. All of this good will outweigh the pain of a breakup or a fight almost every time. And if it doesn't then it was a stupid choice anyway.

3. I like girls too much

I have sworn off girls after pretty much every relationship that I've been in. This has never actually lasted more then 2 weeks. I always seem to find some girl that attracts my attention enough to make me take action no matter how bitter I am in the moment. In fact I think it is safe to say that it is the perpetual liking of a new girl that gets me over the bitterness towards the other girl.


Its a crazy life dealing with girls all the time. Sometimes it is very hard. If these thoughts don't make sense, thats ok. I often have trouble figuring out why I do it as well. And in the moment of writing this seemed to make sense. However, girls will always remain a mystery to me and I will continue to put myself in potentially hazardous situations emotionally.

My Release

"My Release"
I've been too stuck on you to see anything else,
I can't see reality, and i can't help myself,
i feel so strange, so deranged, its crippling,
I'm off my side, I will hide until I've been released,
I'm tired of all the games you played,
And here I am just a product of the mess that you made,
So give me time to open your mind and be free,
Some sign of life just give me my release,
I find I'd like to unwind from you, till I can just be me,
And I've found your likely to crowd me until I can barely breathe,
I feel so vain, so deranged, its criminal,
I'm off my side, I will hide until I've been released,
I'm tired of all the games you played,
And here I am just a product of the mess that you made,
So give me time to open your mind and be free,
Some sign of life just give me my release

This is a song that my band wrote about 5 years ago now. Recently I listened to it and felt like it took on a new meaning. The last week has been really rough for me for a few different reasons. And I feel that it has been a really good growing experience. If you don't know the details of what happened to make me feel this way, I'm sorry but all I can say is that girls really do ruin lives. This song describes the point that I had reached with a certain girl.

Past experience has taught me to be careful when opening myself up to someone new. However in this situation I cast the caution aside and just let things happen. I got attached fairly quickly, and compared to previous relationships it was lightyears ahead of where anything had been after a mere five weeks before. My friends can attest to how ridiculous I was during the whole "relationship" thing.

Having gotten so attached I have found it particularly hard to let go. In fact the last week has been as close to hell as I have been in a long time. (It wasn't just the girl thing though). What have I learned from this? Perhaps the most valuable thing is that good things can't be rushed. I realize that my most valuable friendships have taken quite some time to develop. I also have come to the conclusion that having a protective barrier up at the beginning of a relationship is not only acceptable, but I think it is necessary. Dating is getting to know other individuals and trying to see the compatibility. Getting super attached before knowing if there really is any potential can lead to some serious heartache.

As with every experience in life, we learn something about ourselves. We find out what works for us and what doesn't. Sometimes I just wish it weren't so hard to find out these important things.

Being Great Doesn't Mean Being Perfect

Today I played a game of frisbee golf with the intent of being the best. I realized that this is a tendency of mine in whatever it is that I attempt to do. I do not always achieve this goal. Does this mean that I am a failure, and that I am not great?

I have loved this quote since I first heard it. "I've missed about 90000 shots. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over again, and that is why I succeed." -Michael Jordan

I think that this shows a lot of wisdom. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player ever, was not perfect at the game. This quote outlines how many times he did not reach his goal of winning. But he is not remembered for missing those shots. Instead he is remembered for his hard work and dedication in overcoming those moments, and for his ability to actually come through in the important situations.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not truly comparing myself to Michael Jordan. I have never been the best at anything. But I like to think that I try and apply the qualities that i see that make him great.

As we fight through the discouragements and heartaches in life, we can remember that each of these moments gives us perspective, teaches us what we can improve on, and ultimately gives us the chance to prove that we are indeed great. We can echo the words, I have fallen down 20 times, but I got back up each of those times, and then I stayed up. That's when we become great.

And I shall give you rest

The last few days have certainly been a roller coaster ride for me. I asked for change, and it came in full force. Some of it good and some of it bad. I have gotten to spend time with some good friends. I have made some really good new friends. But I have also lost some friends, and had to deal with a few things I wanted to avoid.

Without going into too much detail, I think that I can sum up much of what I have felt in a personality description that I stumbled across in some of personality test searches that I have done in my spare time.

"You hide your emotion sometimes. You are a moon type of person. You tend to be the quiet type or in contrast, you are happy but sometimes you act it out in order for you to no burden your friends with your problems. You've faced some problems in your life. Your heart has dealt blows before. You tend to think about things a lot more than other people. ... You are also the type of person that others often come to you with their problems because you've been through plenty, and you are very understanding. Though you sometimes feel lonely. Your demeanor is usually chill, and relaxed. You usually are logical, and rely a lot on facts and information on decisions. You often keep things to yourself. This is just one side of you, and you have different faces in different situations and environments, just like the moon has phases."

I have realized that I often keep my problems to myself. I don't even share things with my family a good deal of the time. And this has frustrated me and I want this to change. Everyone needs someone to talk to about things, whether they be good or bad. I often choose to just have sports as an outlet instead, which may not be the most effective idea.

But I had an epiphone during this time. I was led to the scripture Matt. 11:28-30, which talks about taking the Lords yoke upon u, which I realized I wasn't doing. As I was able to do this, much of the anxiety dispelled. It was really good to have the reminder. Its so important in the tough times.

Becoming Stagnant

Can you be in a place too long? Can you over stay your welcome in an area? We all know that this is very possible when it comes to parties and other types of get-togethers. But what about just living in an area.

I have lived in Fort Collins off and on for twelve years now. That is a long time to live in an area. And then add on to this the fact that I have no real memories of life before I lived here. In a sense my whole life has been in Fort Collins. I know that I spent a year total in the Bubble, and also two years in Hawaii, but I have never lived outside of the Fort for more than a year at a time.

What has this done for me? I have become well established in this area. It is a great blessing at times to know as many people as I do. There have been times where I felt that this was my territory. I knew that this was a place where I was happy and didn't really doubt that this was where I needed to be at all.

That time has passed. Things have gotten to be very stagnant recently. I can almost count on knowing what I am going to be doing any day of the week because it has all gotten to be very routine. This has hit me pretty strongly with my current limitations. I certainly can't do everything that I want to do.

Is it time to leave? Maybe. But maybe thats not the change that is needed. I can never feel comfortable with the thought of leaving, and I don't know why. There is obviously something here for me. I guess the trick is to find out what that is.

Its time to change things up a little bit. To make sure that I'm not just doing the same thing week in and week out. Even in the best situations, where we should be happy, we have to be constantly vigilant. That way we can maximize our happiness. It is how we grow.

Don't worry Fort Collins, I'm not leaving any time soon.