My Release

"My Release"
I've been too stuck on you to see anything else,
I can't see reality, and i can't help myself,
i feel so strange, so deranged, its crippling,
I'm off my side, I will hide until I've been released,
I'm tired of all the games you played,
And here I am just a product of the mess that you made,
So give me time to open your mind and be free,
Some sign of life just give me my release,
I find I'd like to unwind from you, till I can just be me,
And I've found your likely to crowd me until I can barely breathe,
I feel so vain, so deranged, its criminal,
I'm off my side, I will hide until I've been released,
I'm tired of all the games you played,
And here I am just a product of the mess that you made,
So give me time to open your mind and be free,
Some sign of life just give me my release

This is a song that my band wrote about 5 years ago now. Recently I listened to it and felt like it took on a new meaning. The last week has been really rough for me for a few different reasons. And I feel that it has been a really good growing experience. If you don't know the details of what happened to make me feel this way, I'm sorry but all I can say is that girls really do ruin lives. This song describes the point that I had reached with a certain girl.

Past experience has taught me to be careful when opening myself up to someone new. However in this situation I cast the caution aside and just let things happen. I got attached fairly quickly, and compared to previous relationships it was lightyears ahead of where anything had been after a mere five weeks before. My friends can attest to how ridiculous I was during the whole "relationship" thing.

Having gotten so attached I have found it particularly hard to let go. In fact the last week has been as close to hell as I have been in a long time. (It wasn't just the girl thing though). What have I learned from this? Perhaps the most valuable thing is that good things can't be rushed. I realize that my most valuable friendships have taken quite some time to develop. I also have come to the conclusion that having a protective barrier up at the beginning of a relationship is not only acceptable, but I think it is necessary. Dating is getting to know other individuals and trying to see the compatibility. Getting super attached before knowing if there really is any potential can lead to some serious heartache.

As with every experience in life, we learn something about ourselves. We find out what works for us and what doesn't. Sometimes I just wish it weren't so hard to find out these important things.

Being Great Doesn't Mean Being Perfect

Today I played a game of frisbee golf with the intent of being the best. I realized that this is a tendency of mine in whatever it is that I attempt to do. I do not always achieve this goal. Does this mean that I am a failure, and that I am not great?

I have loved this quote since I first heard it. "I've missed about 90000 shots. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over again, and that is why I succeed." -Michael Jordan

I think that this shows a lot of wisdom. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player ever, was not perfect at the game. This quote outlines how many times he did not reach his goal of winning. But he is not remembered for missing those shots. Instead he is remembered for his hard work and dedication in overcoming those moments, and for his ability to actually come through in the important situations.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not truly comparing myself to Michael Jordan. I have never been the best at anything. But I like to think that I try and apply the qualities that i see that make him great.

As we fight through the discouragements and heartaches in life, we can remember that each of these moments gives us perspective, teaches us what we can improve on, and ultimately gives us the chance to prove that we are indeed great. We can echo the words, I have fallen down 20 times, but I got back up each of those times, and then I stayed up. That's when we become great.

And I shall give you rest

The last few days have certainly been a roller coaster ride for me. I asked for change, and it came in full force. Some of it good and some of it bad. I have gotten to spend time with some good friends. I have made some really good new friends. But I have also lost some friends, and had to deal with a few things I wanted to avoid.

Without going into too much detail, I think that I can sum up much of what I have felt in a personality description that I stumbled across in some of personality test searches that I have done in my spare time.

"You hide your emotion sometimes. You are a moon type of person. You tend to be the quiet type or in contrast, you are happy but sometimes you act it out in order for you to no burden your friends with your problems. You've faced some problems in your life. Your heart has dealt blows before. You tend to think about things a lot more than other people. ... You are also the type of person that others often come to you with their problems because you've been through plenty, and you are very understanding. Though you sometimes feel lonely. Your demeanor is usually chill, and relaxed. You usually are logical, and rely a lot on facts and information on decisions. You often keep things to yourself. This is just one side of you, and you have different faces in different situations and environments, just like the moon has phases."

I have realized that I often keep my problems to myself. I don't even share things with my family a good deal of the time. And this has frustrated me and I want this to change. Everyone needs someone to talk to about things, whether they be good or bad. I often choose to just have sports as an outlet instead, which may not be the most effective idea.

But I had an epiphone during this time. I was led to the scripture Matt. 11:28-30, which talks about taking the Lords yoke upon u, which I realized I wasn't doing. As I was able to do this, much of the anxiety dispelled. It was really good to have the reminder. Its so important in the tough times.

Becoming Stagnant

Can you be in a place too long? Can you over stay your welcome in an area? We all know that this is very possible when it comes to parties and other types of get-togethers. But what about just living in an area.

I have lived in Fort Collins off and on for twelve years now. That is a long time to live in an area. And then add on to this the fact that I have no real memories of life before I lived here. In a sense my whole life has been in Fort Collins. I know that I spent a year total in the Bubble, and also two years in Hawaii, but I have never lived outside of the Fort for more than a year at a time.

What has this done for me? I have become well established in this area. It is a great blessing at times to know as many people as I do. There have been times where I felt that this was my territory. I knew that this was a place where I was happy and didn't really doubt that this was where I needed to be at all.

That time has passed. Things have gotten to be very stagnant recently. I can almost count on knowing what I am going to be doing any day of the week because it has all gotten to be very routine. This has hit me pretty strongly with my current limitations. I certainly can't do everything that I want to do.

Is it time to leave? Maybe. But maybe thats not the change that is needed. I can never feel comfortable with the thought of leaving, and I don't know why. There is obviously something here for me. I guess the trick is to find out what that is.

Its time to change things up a little bit. To make sure that I'm not just doing the same thing week in and week out. Even in the best situations, where we should be happy, we have to be constantly vigilant. That way we can maximize our happiness. It is how we grow.

Don't worry Fort Collins, I'm not leaving any time soon.

Adjusting

The last five weeks have been a series of adjustments for me. With a broken hand it is quite difficult to do many things. It would be quite easy for me to give up on a lot of things. My passions in life are playing my guitar, sports, and hanging out with friends. Those three things often require two hands. I have had to completely drop the idea of playing my guitar during the healing process. However, sometimes to my detriment, I have not stopped doing anything else. I still play basketball, football, and whatever i get invited to do. I haven't been able to compete at exactly the same level as normal, but close.

What has this taught me? Several things actually. The first is that anything is possible when the right adjustments are made. It took many small and major changes, as well as trial and error to perfect some of the things I kept doing. For example, I started off tying my tie laying down, which took forever but made it possible. Then I taught myself how to stand up and tie it with one hand and it doesn't take that much extra time at all.

Other trial and error moments were with sports. At first when I played basketball I found that the ball would continually fly out of my hand at undesirable moments. However with a little practice and refinement I was able to bring the ball up and shoot precisely adding only a fraction of a second to my shot attempt. And in football it took half the game and realizing that my elbow was a good thing to use, but I was able to make several key catches.

Another thing that I have learned is that attitude is key. If I didn't have a positive, can do anything attitude, I would have accomplish far less and been quite miserable. Instead I was happy, even when failing to do things that I wished I could do. However the more I joked around about how goofy I looked doing things, or about how crazy hard it was to try something, or realizing that I had agreed to do something before I remembered the injury, the better the outcome always was.

Finally, expectations of self are almost always going to be self fulfilling prophecies. If I felt I couldn't do something, then it would never happen. If I had an idea that I could accomplish something I would set my mind to it and continue trying until I accomplished the task at hand.

So what do I take from this experience? That there is probably a lot that I could be doing better at if I had the same attitude and dedication in regular living. I should be an amazing force for a little while after the hand heals. These are keys of success in life, not just for times of injury.

Forgiveness

The other night I was sitting at home studying. Since I find it hard to study without music on I turned on the radio. (This was an obvious mistake since I hate listening to commercials). The first few stations that I tuned into were playing commercials, so I started broadening my search. After a little bit I found myself listening to Delilah, (not a regular experience). I listened to a caller pouring out her soul as she requested a song. She was struggling to forgive a friend who had supposedly offended in a very significant way, and who refused to apologize. I don't remember all the details of the experience, however I do remember that the listener was waiting to feel ok with the situation, and thats when she would know she had forgiven her friend. I was impressed by Delilah's response. "Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a conscious decision we make to overlook a debt that is rightfully ours."

I thought that this was profound. So many times we seek for situations to resolve on their own. Or we wait for those who have offended us to apologize or ask for forgiveness. But forgiveness really isn't something that just happens. We have to make a conscious effort to look past the wrongs that have been dealt to us.

We cannot expect to receive restitution for all the offenses toward us. It simply won't happen, no matter how good of a person we are. This is outside our control. But what we can control is our response. We have the option to hold a grudge or to forgive. Human nature makes us feel that we need to hold a grudge, that it is our right to expect corrections to be made. While it is not that harmful to think this way for a little while, if we let these feelings fester in us they can eat away at us and destroy our happiness.

The sooner we let go and make the conscious effort to overlook wrongdoings, the better we will feel. We will not carry the burdens around with us. It is a hard to forgive quickly, but it is worth it. We will be much happier.

Searching for the ideal moment, it never happens

I have a few moments in the past few days where I have had a desire to share personal feelings, but the words escaped me. Fear seemed to engulf me and I panicked. All I could do was change the subject, even though I had wanted some sort of opportunity similar to this to arise. The same situation occurred again a few days later, and I reacted the same way. I was about ready to kill myself.

How many times in life do we have dreams and desires, and we let the opportunities slip by when they present themselves? This certainly was the first time for me. Though I don't think they happen very frequently either.

What caused me to freeze? It was the unfamiliarity and lack of security. I normally have many words to share in conversations. I can keep up with almost anyone in regards to sports. I have a keen sense of humor that allows me to be funny, or at least try, most of the time. I usually have some piece of advice for friends who come to me with problems. However when it comes to sharing personal thoughts and feelings I often struggle to express myself.

Much of this has to do with reactions I have had to sharing these thoughts in the past. But I think that it mostly comes down to insecurity. When sharing the inner emotions we want to know that these thoughts will be respected. It sometimes feels as though in these situations we are placing our fine china in an arena of a thousand bulls. This simply is not true when confiding in those close to us.

Looking back at these two freeze ups I know that I am actually putting my fine China in a dishwasher, where there is a possibility to the machine malfunctioning and destroying it, but overall we can agree that it will a beneficial interaction.

There is a need for more people to recognize this and see it in their lives. More love would blossom, more friendships would grow, more happiness would abound because these risks aren't as risky as we think they are in the situation.

I was attempting to find the ideal situation where this risk was eliminated. Here I would feel perfectly secure in sharing these thoughts. However I have realized that this is an imaginary place. No one can completely remove risk. It is much better to take the opportunities placed before us. Create an ideally used situation.