I will start off by saying that this is not a topic that I have the answers for. I was asked to explore a question that I have asked several times myself, yet I have not been able to solidly answer it so far in my life. Yet I will try and write down the observations that I have made. The question is why we like people that don't like us back.
This is something that I'm sure all of us have experienced at some point in our dating lives. Guys have inevitably asked a girl out only to be rejected. Girls have waited for that guy to ask them out, only to find themselves continually waiting. That's a minor example of this phenomenon. And maybe doesn't really approach the heart of the matter because in these cases we only think there is potential that we will develop real interest in this person.
What about those times that we actually spend time and get to know the person that we are interested in? We get to see the qualities that we are looking for in them. At this point we may genuinely like this person. But then we are crushed because they don't share the same interest in us.
Human nature makes us attracted to many different individuals as we try and find a potential spouse. The attraction is felt on many different levels. When it reaches a certain level we throw on the term "like." The reasons for liking someone are vast and very much different for every situation we are in. The thing that connects each of these situations is that they have one or more qualities that we are seeking in a partner.
But not everyone is seeking the same qualities. And we certainly don't all possess the same qualities. Often we want someone who possesses the qualities that we don't have, but need in our life. It is hard to match these up. Thus making it so that we like someone who does not like us back.
One other thought is based on timing. When a relationship is going to be started it requires the right timing. People gain interest on different time tables. Only when the times happen to match up will a relationship actually happen.
Understanding this cycle doesn't make it any easier to be in this predicament. It also doesn't allow us to know how to prevent this from happening either. But maybe it allows us to gain some sense that its ok to be in this predicament.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Jumping Through Hoops
It has become apparent to me that in order for me to get anything that I want I am being forced to jump through a series of hoops. It has been a little frustrating at times and I have wondered very seriously, why can't something I want just come easy to me right now? The more that I have thought about it the more clear the answer has become.
Recent challenges have made me put a lot of effort into accomplishing anything. Things don't seem to come as easily as they used to. And I think that this is how life is supposed to be. We cannot become truly great in anything without having to overcome obstacles. Why is this? Because strength comes through resistance. This is a truth that we constantly hear from those who we consider successful.
But I think there is something more to it then just overcoming these obstacles. I recently found this quote from Theodore Roosevelt, “the boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats.” I think this puts things into a slightly different perspective.
What does it take to "win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats?" I guess that we have to figure out what the competitor is that we are winning over before we can really understand what this phrase means. We are trying to defeat our natural tendencies to take the easy route, where the rewards aren't as great. So we could say that our competitor is our own self.
This places a greater responsibility on ones self for success. Obviously there are other factors that can affect the outcomes of our efforts, but I don't think that is what it is all about. Sometimes the greatest successes come from doing hard things even though we know we are going to fail.
So much of "success" in life is dependent on our attitude and our desire to make things happen. This is exactly what Roosevelt was saying. That in order to become a great man or woman we must make the conscious decision to do whatever it takes to get what we want.
As I have so often been reminded. We can't achieve anything until we experience failure.
Recent challenges have made me put a lot of effort into accomplishing anything. Things don't seem to come as easily as they used to. And I think that this is how life is supposed to be. We cannot become truly great in anything without having to overcome obstacles. Why is this? Because strength comes through resistance. This is a truth that we constantly hear from those who we consider successful.
But I think there is something more to it then just overcoming these obstacles. I recently found this quote from Theodore Roosevelt, “the boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats.” I think this puts things into a slightly different perspective.
What does it take to "win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats?" I guess that we have to figure out what the competitor is that we are winning over before we can really understand what this phrase means. We are trying to defeat our natural tendencies to take the easy route, where the rewards aren't as great. So we could say that our competitor is our own self.
This places a greater responsibility on ones self for success. Obviously there are other factors that can affect the outcomes of our efforts, but I don't think that is what it is all about. Sometimes the greatest successes come from doing hard things even though we know we are going to fail.
So much of "success" in life is dependent on our attitude and our desire to make things happen. This is exactly what Roosevelt was saying. That in order to become a great man or woman we must make the conscious decision to do whatever it takes to get what we want.
As I have so often been reminded. We can't achieve anything until we experience failure.
Who we really are, does it change
People are very interesting creatures. It seems that so often that I am drawn to look at who I am and how things have progressed over the years. It is apparent that I am not the same as I was when I was eleven. What brought about these noticeable differences in my behavior? Am I really a different person then I was eleven years ago? Have these changes made me different person? The answer may come in looking at myself eleven years ago, and then looking at myself now, and then comparing the two.
Eleven years ago I moved to Fort Collins. I quickly became friends with my neighbor Matt. We did many things together including; entertaining people, spiritual church stuff, getting into trouble, and pretty much everything you would expect friends to do together, except go to school together. I didn't talk much with anyone but Matt and my family. Everyone else was essentially just an acquaintance on some level or another. I really struggled socially.
My focus was on reading. I could be found reading when I wasn't doing homework or doing things with my friends and family. I was reading books that would not be expected for kids of my age. I was forced into participating in music because my parents thought it would be good for me. I hadn't watched a sports game, aside from a couple nuggets games, up to this point. I failed to see what was so interesting in them.
Simply put, at age eleven I was a complete NERD!!!!
What is it that makes me who I am today? I spend a good portion of the day seeking people that I can interact with. I love people and prefer to spend most of my time with other people. I have a good base of friends and love meeting new people.
Sports are probably the biggest focus in my life aside from school, church, and girls. I devote a lot of time to playing and watching many different sports. I have a passion for music. It still has a strong influence in all that I do. It really connects everything else in my life. And i actually seek out opportunities to play musical instruments of all varieties.
On the surface it would seem that I am a new person, that my personality has been altered. What has caused this change? As I have grown I have been able to experience more differing situations. It would be easy to say that my essential character has changed. But I wish to present a different view point. Our essential character doesn't change, our circumstances allow us to understand ourselves better and our true self becomes more apparent.
I base some of this on conversations I've had with family members. They don't really notice any changes in who I really am. According to them I have the same personality traits and behavioral tendencies.
As I have pondered on how I have grown and developed I think that my mission changed a lot of my perspectives. I learned a lot through study and observation and even just being forced to adapt to different situations. A few of the most important bits of knowledge gained were insights into who I really am and what I really enjoy.
Doctrines of gospel which were greatly researched during my days as a missionary also point to this same idea. Knowing about existence before this life and knowing that we had the same personality then are very significant in this analysis. Our spirits are in a constant struggle to overcome our mortal bodies. So the more we learn about ourselves the more we discover what our spirits really are. Our spirit is what our essential character really is. And that is not something that is easily changed, if at all.
Eleven years ago I moved to Fort Collins. I quickly became friends with my neighbor Matt. We did many things together including; entertaining people, spiritual church stuff, getting into trouble, and pretty much everything you would expect friends to do together, except go to school together. I didn't talk much with anyone but Matt and my family. Everyone else was essentially just an acquaintance on some level or another. I really struggled socially.
My focus was on reading. I could be found reading when I wasn't doing homework or doing things with my friends and family. I was reading books that would not be expected for kids of my age. I was forced into participating in music because my parents thought it would be good for me. I hadn't watched a sports game, aside from a couple nuggets games, up to this point. I failed to see what was so interesting in them.
Simply put, at age eleven I was a complete NERD!!!!
What is it that makes me who I am today? I spend a good portion of the day seeking people that I can interact with. I love people and prefer to spend most of my time with other people. I have a good base of friends and love meeting new people.
Sports are probably the biggest focus in my life aside from school, church, and girls. I devote a lot of time to playing and watching many different sports. I have a passion for music. It still has a strong influence in all that I do. It really connects everything else in my life. And i actually seek out opportunities to play musical instruments of all varieties.
On the surface it would seem that I am a new person, that my personality has been altered. What has caused this change? As I have grown I have been able to experience more differing situations. It would be easy to say that my essential character has changed. But I wish to present a different view point. Our essential character doesn't change, our circumstances allow us to understand ourselves better and our true self becomes more apparent.
I base some of this on conversations I've had with family members. They don't really notice any changes in who I really am. According to them I have the same personality traits and behavioral tendencies.
As I have pondered on how I have grown and developed I think that my mission changed a lot of my perspectives. I learned a lot through study and observation and even just being forced to adapt to different situations. A few of the most important bits of knowledge gained were insights into who I really am and what I really enjoy.
Doctrines of gospel which were greatly researched during my days as a missionary also point to this same idea. Knowing about existence before this life and knowing that we had the same personality then are very significant in this analysis. Our spirits are in a constant struggle to overcome our mortal bodies. So the more we learn about ourselves the more we discover what our spirits really are. Our spirit is what our essential character really is. And that is not something that is easily changed, if at all.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Predictability
Life is complicated. There are thousands of different paths and destinations that we can end up on. One decision we make can alter the path that we are taking significantly.
There are many more options presented before us then we would ever consider. With each decision we have to make we normally narrow the choices down to two or three choices. This is a subconscious process with our minds quickly eliminating outlandish ideas.
What we do with the remaining choices is often very predictable. Everyone will react to situations differently then other people, but will react the same way when put in similar situations. The exception to this rule is when previous actions have resulted in harmful outcomes to ourselves. Human nature makes us want to do what is best for our self preservation. The more experiences we have the more that we understand what has the potential to injure us physically, emotionally, or whatever it may be.
As we drive this becomes very apparent. An individual may drive above the speed limit consistently for a long period of time, but the instant that the individual is caught and ticketed this behavior changes. For a small period of time at least. After a while the memory can fade and previous behaviors re-introduced.
The outward actions are a little more obvious to see this trend in ourselves. Sometimes it takes a lot more to see this in the emotional decisions we have to make, emotional decisions being those that don’t directly affect effect our physical self, but have other consequences effecting our happiness or emotional well-being.
What makes this one more difficult is that we don’t always understand what is going to be in our best interest with these decisions. When I am making the decision of when to cross the street I can tell when a car is going to hit me or not, so it becomes very easy. The emotional decisions often have factors that are beyond our control and which we cannot specifically determine till we take action.
We often calculate the outcomes of our various decisions and when we do this we usually come to the same conclusions. If someone has made fun of us for having a particular viewpoint then we probably won’t bring up that viewpoint again with that same person. Even if the other individual would have acted differently, we base our decisions on the past.
This is why it becomes easier to predict someones actions the more you get to know them. You begin to share the same experiences that they have and see how they react in different situations. Most people are not as complex as we make them out to be. It just means getting to know them, which a lot of people don’t take the time to do.
People are predictable and self protecting.
There are many more options presented before us then we would ever consider. With each decision we have to make we normally narrow the choices down to two or three choices. This is a subconscious process with our minds quickly eliminating outlandish ideas.
What we do with the remaining choices is often very predictable. Everyone will react to situations differently then other people, but will react the same way when put in similar situations. The exception to this rule is when previous actions have resulted in harmful outcomes to ourselves. Human nature makes us want to do what is best for our self preservation. The more experiences we have the more that we understand what has the potential to injure us physically, emotionally, or whatever it may be.
As we drive this becomes very apparent. An individual may drive above the speed limit consistently for a long period of time, but the instant that the individual is caught and ticketed this behavior changes. For a small period of time at least. After a while the memory can fade and previous behaviors re-introduced.
The outward actions are a little more obvious to see this trend in ourselves. Sometimes it takes a lot more to see this in the emotional decisions we have to make, emotional decisions being those that don’t directly affect effect our physical self, but have other consequences effecting our happiness or emotional well-being.
What makes this one more difficult is that we don’t always understand what is going to be in our best interest with these decisions. When I am making the decision of when to cross the street I can tell when a car is going to hit me or not, so it becomes very easy. The emotional decisions often have factors that are beyond our control and which we cannot specifically determine till we take action.
We often calculate the outcomes of our various decisions and when we do this we usually come to the same conclusions. If someone has made fun of us for having a particular viewpoint then we probably won’t bring up that viewpoint again with that same person. Even if the other individual would have acted differently, we base our decisions on the past.
This is why it becomes easier to predict someones actions the more you get to know them. You begin to share the same experiences that they have and see how they react in different situations. Most people are not as complex as we make them out to be. It just means getting to know them, which a lot of people don’t take the time to do.
People are predictable and self protecting.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
New Years Resolutions
It is the time of year where people make promises that they will change some aspect of their life that is less then perfect. The new year brings a sense of newness into peoples lives, a rejuvenation of purpose. I think this new beginning is great, but I feel that new years resolutions are ineffective.
At New Years how often do we here of someone promising they will quit smoking, starting a new exercise routine, or some new diet? Everywhere we turn people are starting new things or giving up bad habits, and while they have the best intentions and put forth effort, inevitably most will fail to keep this up for more then a week. Why is this phenomenon so rampant? Is it because no one can handle the changes they promote so heavily?
I believe that the technique in proper execution of accomplishing goals is cast aside when it comes to these resolutions. Most likely we will choose some large, semi-vague goal, attempt to tackle it all at once, and then fall flat on our face trying to accomplish it in a matter of days. Sound familiar.
There is a way to avoid this. What does it take to actually accomplish any goal worth setting? Break it down. When we understand that it will be a process to achieve success we are more likely to accomplish what we set out to do. Michael Jordan didn't become a legend in a week. It took years for him to attain his high level of athletic ability. And this is how it will be with all of us.
I believe that most of our thought out new years resolutions are good, if not great. They are worthwhile improvements to make in our lives. Let us each take the time and make the effort to breakdown our goals into achievable ones. We can have a great year as we actually keep our new years resolutions.
Yea 2009!!!
At New Years how often do we here of someone promising they will quit smoking, starting a new exercise routine, or some new diet? Everywhere we turn people are starting new things or giving up bad habits, and while they have the best intentions and put forth effort, inevitably most will fail to keep this up for more then a week. Why is this phenomenon so rampant? Is it because no one can handle the changes they promote so heavily?
I believe that the technique in proper execution of accomplishing goals is cast aside when it comes to these resolutions. Most likely we will choose some large, semi-vague goal, attempt to tackle it all at once, and then fall flat on our face trying to accomplish it in a matter of days. Sound familiar.
There is a way to avoid this. What does it take to actually accomplish any goal worth setting? Break it down. When we understand that it will be a process to achieve success we are more likely to accomplish what we set out to do. Michael Jordan didn't become a legend in a week. It took years for him to attain his high level of athletic ability. And this is how it will be with all of us.
I believe that most of our thought out new years resolutions are good, if not great. They are worthwhile improvements to make in our lives. Let us each take the time and make the effort to breakdown our goals into achievable ones. We can have a great year as we actually keep our new years resolutions.
Yea 2009!!!
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