It seems to be the goal of most people to have lots of friends. Why is this? Because having friends makes us feel good. Whether we have a lot of friends or just a few, the human interaction creates a sense of satisfaction, and more importantly comfort. We feel a sense of safety when we have people that we can turn to and talk to in our times of need. Recently I have had people ask me how I have been able to gain the friends that I have. In thinking about this I have come up with a few different points or ideas on what it takes to build a friendship with someone.
1. Talk to lots of different people
If you feel that you don’t have as many friends as you wish you had, there is one simple solution. Talk to more people. It comes down to simple mathematics. The more people you interact with the more likely you will find someone you will enjoy spending some time with. It is obvious that not everyone we meet will become a close friend. I believe that this can be described in a pyramid format. At the base we have our acquaintances, the people which we say hi to when we see them, but don’t have real interactions. Next we have a tier of distant friends. These friends are those that we have conversations with when ever we see them, but we often just leave these interactions up to chance and don’t seek them out. The third tier is good friends. These are the people that we hang out with regularly. We seek out interactions with them and will often find each other in many similar social situations. The fourth and final tier is close friends. Close friends are those that we can share our personal thoughts and feelings with. We are the most intimate with our close friends.
It is my theory that there is a general proportion amongst all the differing levels. I cannot define what this proportion is, but by general observations of the people I know that it most likely exists. I will use myself as an example here. I have about 700 acquaintances. I have about 100 friends. I have 30 good friends. Studies have shown that people have an average of 5 to 8 close friends. I feel that I have 8. I understand that it is difficult to accurately determine the number of acquaintances and distant friends, so I have made estimates, and you can ask me how I got these numbers if you are curious.
I feel that most people have similar proportions. The only thing that doesn’t vary much is the number of close, trusted friends. Every thing else is based upon the number of acquaintances we have. The more the merrier. So go out and talk to people.
2. Compliment Often
Everyone needs to feel appreciated, or noticed, or some combination of the two. One of the easiest ways to do this is to offer compliments. Most people take a decent amount of time getting ready for the day, (this is more so true of girls, rather than guys), and when it shows, they want to know that other people can see this. A sincere compliment can go a long way. I have witnessed many people go from a bad mood to a good mood from a simple compliment. And it seemed as though the person offering the compliment had no idea it was going to have such a profound effect. So a good philosophy to adopt is to compliment people whenever the opportunity arises. People will feel good when they are around you and they will want to spend more time with you.
3. Hang Out/ Do things together
The easiest way to spend time with people is to sit in places where we know a lot of people, and where there is a non threatening way to get to me a lot of new people. This will help us to meet a lot of new acquaintances and increase our pool of distant friends. However, the only way to turn these into good friendships is to spend quality time with these individuals. Small groups or time spent with just the two of you is a great way to get to know each other and to find out if its worth spending more time with them. This is a fundamental part of building lasting friendships because people are multi-faceted, meaning that they have more than one side to them. If we stay in the large social gathering situation, we cannot know the full potential of what everyone has to offer. Often the more we learn about individuals, the more we learn to love them.
Everyone has a façade they put on for protection. While this is not a full blown false identity in most cases, there is a level of security and anonymity that is gained from this behavior. It is possible for people to be themselves and still have a façade. This is done by not exposing too much information about oneself. In smaller situations the true identity of an individual is more likely to come out.
4. Respect Boundaries
Not everyone is the same. We can clearly see this as we examine personal boundaries. Some people are very apt to hug others, while others like to keep to themselves. Some people love to approach new people and talk to them for long periods of time, while others are more reserved and take some time to work into a friendship. Some people cling to others, some need some alone time, some prefer to have interactions with lots of different people. What it all comes down to is the fact that often we assume that other people will be comfortable doing the same things that we are comfortable with. This is simply not the case. Let me examine a few ways that people can cross the line.
The first is that we can say things that others do not appreciate. Not everyone is as comfortable with specific topics as other people are. So until you are certain that its going to be ok with a friend, ease into different topics. And respect it if they ask for a change of subject.
Another way that the line is crossed is with being too close to someone. People have a personal bubble, and most people don’t like it when it is invaded without invitation. Don’t talk too close. Don’t hug more than that person is comfortable with. Don’t touch them too much. Don’t sneak up behind someone and just stand there, let them know you are there within a few seconds. And so many more. Willing to give clarification on other situations.
The final way that I would like to discuss is with spending too much time with a person. This is very easy to do early on in the development of friendships. It is important to keep in mind that when trying to make new friends, the best course of action is to talk long enough to make it personal, but short enough that it is still interesting. Then this person will want to come and talk to you again and again and before you know if you have a new friend. If the initial conversations are longer than the other person expects or wants, then the possibility of a second conversation is significantly decreased.
It is also possible to spend too much time with someone you have been friends with for a long time. Consider the idea that you are most likely not that persons only friend. Time needs to be divided amongst all the friendships that an individual has. You do not get to decide how much time someone else wants to spend with you. You only get to decide how much time you want to give each of your friends. In order to maintain my friends in a healthy manner, I live by this philosophy: When considering time to be spent with a friend, go with the lower desired amount of the two. This does not necessarily mean that anyone wants to stop being friends. Quite the opposite is true if you are good friends already.
Now to address the all important question of how to know when the other person needs a little space. Body language is key, so pay attention to what the other individual is doing. If they continue to look around and act disinterested, its probably time to say goodbye and do something else for a little while. If they inch away and keep moving further away when you move closer, its time to do something else for a little while. There are many similar situations, and it would take too long to illustrate each one. Sometimes people will go ahead and be verbal about it. If someone says they need to go do something else, respect that and find something else to do. Keep in mind that there is no need to take offense in these situations. Intentions are not to harm you, nor are there any negative feelings toward you just because there are other things to do. People genuinely are busy sometimes, and sometimes just need a moment to themselves. If you have any questions about specific situations I’d be happy to evaluate for you.
5. Find Common Ground
Our closest friends can understand what we are trying to say even when we can’t express ourselves clearly. Close friends know how we will normally react in most settings. They know what we need, and what we want. We can’t expect that kind of relationship with everyone we meet. But we can learn many things from these kinds of friendships. The thing that connects us is the things that we have in common. With close friends we have lots of things in common. With some people it may seem nearly impossible to find something that interests both individuals. However there is always something that can tie you together. And this may not lead to a lasting friendship, but its certainly one step closer.
6. Do things for each other
There is one phenomenon that has always fascinated me. It is the effect that service has on the person performing the acts of service, not to be confused with the person receiving the service. When people perform service for someone else two things happen to that person. The first is an increase in general happiness or joy. A good feeling will always accompany acts of service, even when the task is difficult. The second thing that occurs is an instant increase in the bond that we share with those that we serve. This bond forms between the two if they have never previously met, or a slight increase in unity will take place if a relationship already exists. Perhaps the most satisfaction comes when serving someone that we don’t know with pure intentions. This means that we have no expectations of a great reward other than personal satisfaction for serving. I would hope that everyone has experienced this at one point in the course of their lives. An increase in service will favorably affect our relationships with others, whether its big acts or something relatively small.
7. Learn Tolerance
Inevitably everyone is going to do something that we don’t like at some point in our life. This is even true of those that we love the most and are closest too. The sooner we realize this the more prepared we till become. True it will catch us off guard when something offensive happens, but the process of forgiveness will be much shorter if we have this mentality. This is not to say that I have a lack of confidence in humankind. I am simply saying that we need to be realistic in our expectations of friendship. The good times will far out weigh the negative experiences, we just have to maintain the correct perspective to see this. Also, if more people are respectful of personal boundaries, then there will be less need to overlook the negative.
8. Be Yourself
It is human nature to immediately analyze the situations that surround us. If we don’t have a complete understanding, then we fill in the gaps. Most often this is an unconscious effort, though sometimes it enters into the conscious thought process. In social situations assumptions are made all the time. We create our own perception of what reality is, which have varying degrees of truth incorporated. We then make conclusions of what is expected of ourselves and others.
Hopefully this coincides with what we want to do. But what happens when these conflict? We then have a decision to make, are we going to conform to expectations or are we going to live our life independent of these expectations. The choice is not always easy to make. I have discussed this topic with friends from different parts of the country recently, and the conclusion that was reached in every conversation was the same. We can experience temporary happiness when we discard our identity and assume one that seems to fit the norm. We can often gain many friends this way. But in time we lose this gratification of simply fitting in and we long for something different. However if we start off our friendships with no false pretenses then we don’t have to pretend. Sometimes it takes longer to find friends, but the reward is much greater. These relationships become more lasting and we have more freedom to act, because we don’t have to plot out moves the same way.
9. Friendship is a Process
It is foolish to assume that you are going to get everything you want in life without putting forth any effort. If you want to become good at a sport, you practice a lot. The same is true of learning instruments or any other talent. If you want a possession then you have to save up for it. Why would we expect anything different in developing relationships? Any relationship worth having is going to take time and effort to build. And as hard at it is at times, it is worth it in the end.
Looking back at my closest friendships I have noticed something interesting about how they have started. A handful of these friendships have started without much effort. But the majority have taken a few months to solidify. Also, I noticed that while there was work involved in establishing these friendships, it wasn’t forced at all. It usually happens very naturally.
10. Not Everyone is Going to be Your Friend
The reality is that you can’t get along with everyone. You aren’t going to be able to spend enough time with everyone to become good friends. We have our limitations, and some people are just different enough that a friendship won’t happen. Don’t get discouraged when someone rejects you. It’s a part of life that everyone has to deal with. Instead brush it off and continue to meet new people and eventually you will find those that want to be your friend. No matter who you are. Remember that the greatest people to have lived on the earth
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