My Romantic Comedy

There are few things in life that are constant. The new year starts at January 1st, pickles come from cucumbers, mom my loves me, babies poop in their diapers, and someone inevitably falls in love and gets married at the end of romantic comedies. Thinking about the consistency of these things has put a different spin on how I approach life now. Actually, only the last constant I mentioned will affect anything.

Knowing that the main character of every romantic comedy gets married to someone that he/she somehow falls in love with in an unexpected way at the end of the movie has sparked an interesting thought for me. I am going to label a specific portion of my life as my romantic comedy portion of life. It will start now and will end exactly two years from now. I feel that this will not entirely change my life as I am humorous and funny situations happen around me all the time. But the one change that will happen will be that some relationship will unexpectedly actually last and by some odd twist of events I will be married by the end of my movie.

Now as the other main character remains unknown to me, (the one I will fall in love with), I will need to be certain that I understand that anything can happen at this point forward. This is very typical of every romantic comedy, where everyone watching the movie can see that these two are destined to be together. Unfortunately I am unable to communicate directly with the director of the movie (God) or the audience (my future family waiting in heaven) and will have to figure this out for myself.

I will be sure to record pertinent information in my movie log, to be reviewed after completion of the period so as to reveal all plot twists and funny moments. Here's to a good movie.

The Secondary Friend

The secondary friend is a concept that I have been thinking about a lot lately. What is a secondary friend. This is the friend that you want to hang out with, when no one else is occupying your time. This is a friend that you like to talk to, when no one else is around. This is a friend that you will say hi to when you walk into a room, if you don't have other friends in the room. I think you get my point. This is a friend that, no matter how great, will always just be a backup to other options.

I think that we all find ourselves in this position among some friends. It is perfectly natural. You are not going to be everyones best friend. Even if you want to you can't, we all have limits, even if its only time constraints. In order to be a good friend you need to spend time with, listen to, talk with those whom you care about. Its not something that just happens without some personal sacrifices.

There are some benefits to being a secondary friend. You generally don't have to deal with all the drama. You don't have make most of the personal sacrifices of time and talents. You only have to be there when its convenient. Its pretty much a non committal friendship. Its a relationship where you can just be a one dimensional person, fulfilling just one role. eg., the funny guy, the smart guy, the caring guy, the spiritual guy, or whatever it may be.

However, with the positives come some negatives. As a secondary friend you don't have the benefit of relying on that friendship. It is very hard to get out that one dimensional role. And even when you do, it doesn't seem to offer that much of a reward. You are still only wanted if no one else can fulfill that role.

As was mentioned earlier, it is normal to be a secondary friend to the majority of our friends. But what if the situation arises where you are simply considered everyone's secondary friend, where you are not considered a good friend to anyone? This is a difficult situation which arises.

It is not fun, nor is it emotionally healthy to not have anyone to rely on. Every day life is often stressful and builds up in every individual. Like any high pressure system, there needs to be pressure release in order to keep the container from exploding. That valve is found in what we commonly term as the "venting session." That is what a good friend allows you to do. But a friend who is singularly found as a secondary friend does not have this privilege and will explode, or attempt to keep it under control without assistance. This is not an ideal situation by any means.

Simply put, no one can be a healthy individual just being a secondary friend.

Lately it has become fairly obvious to me that I am not as happy as I have been in the past. This has cause me to ponder quite a lot on why that is and how I can change that. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot going for me. I have a great girlfriend, I have good friends, I enjoy my job most of the time, and I know what I want to do with my life career wise. The problem, I do the same thing day in and day out. I have missed one week of Monday night basketball in over a year. I almost never miss a ward activity, no matter how small. I can pretty well lay out what I will be doing on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday every week. This used to be very nice, knowing that I would probably be able to have something going on every night.

I tried to take a vacation this week and that didn't work out at all. I have not left Fort Collins for more then a day or night since I went to my mission reunion last October. And that was only for 2 days.

I have begun to wonder if I let my life control me rather then controlling my life. I think that to a certain extent we have to let life control us a little bit. But we need to be able to have flexibility. I don't know how to do this. I need to be able to mix things up, but I am struggling. I can think that I need a new hobby to cause me to change and to stretch myself. I am open to a lot of different ideas.

Why I need girls

There is a pattern in my life that has always left me a little confused. It is the cycle of dating. I seem to have many opportunities to date different girls and things will go well for a month or so and then I will get crushed. Sometimes it will take weeks for me to get over the situations that arise. I often wonder why I subject myself to this time and time again knowing that this cycle has a good chance of repeating itself. The answer is very simple. I need girls in my life. Let me tell you why I have come to this conclusion.

1. I don't want a guy holding my hand

I can think of many things that make girls better then guys. One of the first things that come to mind are the small physical touches that i would never let a guy do. Examples of this include the holding of the hand, cuddling, scratching my back, and kissing. None of these things, with the exception of maybe scratching of my back, will happen with a girl that I am not interested in. I have needs in these areas and so fundamentally speaking I will continue to go back to girls time and time again.

2. The good moments usually outweigh the bad

I get screwed over by girls all the time. And IT SUCKS!!! For days or weeks on end I am upset at the world. There is a lot of pain and anguish that is only caused by my being attached to a girl and having to let go. However the good moments that come from being in a relationship are huge. When I am with a girl that I like I am happy like nothing else can make me happy. All of this good will outweigh the pain of a breakup or a fight almost every time. And if it doesn't then it was a stupid choice anyway.

3. I like girls too much

I have sworn off girls after pretty much every relationship that I've been in. This has never actually lasted more then 2 weeks. I always seem to find some girl that attracts my attention enough to make me take action no matter how bitter I am in the moment. In fact I think it is safe to say that it is the perpetual liking of a new girl that gets me over the bitterness towards the other girl.


Its a crazy life dealing with girls all the time. Sometimes it is very hard. If these thoughts don't make sense, thats ok. I often have trouble figuring out why I do it as well. And in the moment of writing this seemed to make sense. However, girls will always remain a mystery to me and I will continue to put myself in potentially hazardous situations emotionally.

My Release

"My Release"
I've been too stuck on you to see anything else,
I can't see reality, and i can't help myself,
i feel so strange, so deranged, its crippling,
I'm off my side, I will hide until I've been released,
I'm tired of all the games you played,
And here I am just a product of the mess that you made,
So give me time to open your mind and be free,
Some sign of life just give me my release,
I find I'd like to unwind from you, till I can just be me,
And I've found your likely to crowd me until I can barely breathe,
I feel so vain, so deranged, its criminal,
I'm off my side, I will hide until I've been released,
I'm tired of all the games you played,
And here I am just a product of the mess that you made,
So give me time to open your mind and be free,
Some sign of life just give me my release

This is a song that my band wrote about 5 years ago now. Recently I listened to it and felt like it took on a new meaning. The last week has been really rough for me for a few different reasons. And I feel that it has been a really good growing experience. If you don't know the details of what happened to make me feel this way, I'm sorry but all I can say is that girls really do ruin lives. This song describes the point that I had reached with a certain girl.

Past experience has taught me to be careful when opening myself up to someone new. However in this situation I cast the caution aside and just let things happen. I got attached fairly quickly, and compared to previous relationships it was lightyears ahead of where anything had been after a mere five weeks before. My friends can attest to how ridiculous I was during the whole "relationship" thing.

Having gotten so attached I have found it particularly hard to let go. In fact the last week has been as close to hell as I have been in a long time. (It wasn't just the girl thing though). What have I learned from this? Perhaps the most valuable thing is that good things can't be rushed. I realize that my most valuable friendships have taken quite some time to develop. I also have come to the conclusion that having a protective barrier up at the beginning of a relationship is not only acceptable, but I think it is necessary. Dating is getting to know other individuals and trying to see the compatibility. Getting super attached before knowing if there really is any potential can lead to some serious heartache.

As with every experience in life, we learn something about ourselves. We find out what works for us and what doesn't. Sometimes I just wish it weren't so hard to find out these important things.

Being Great Doesn't Mean Being Perfect

Today I played a game of frisbee golf with the intent of being the best. I realized that this is a tendency of mine in whatever it is that I attempt to do. I do not always achieve this goal. Does this mean that I am a failure, and that I am not great?

I have loved this quote since I first heard it. "I've missed about 90000 shots. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over again, and that is why I succeed." -Michael Jordan

I think that this shows a lot of wisdom. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player ever, was not perfect at the game. This quote outlines how many times he did not reach his goal of winning. But he is not remembered for missing those shots. Instead he is remembered for his hard work and dedication in overcoming those moments, and for his ability to actually come through in the important situations.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not truly comparing myself to Michael Jordan. I have never been the best at anything. But I like to think that I try and apply the qualities that i see that make him great.

As we fight through the discouragements and heartaches in life, we can remember that each of these moments gives us perspective, teaches us what we can improve on, and ultimately gives us the chance to prove that we are indeed great. We can echo the words, I have fallen down 20 times, but I got back up each of those times, and then I stayed up. That's when we become great.

And I shall give you rest

The last few days have certainly been a roller coaster ride for me. I asked for change, and it came in full force. Some of it good and some of it bad. I have gotten to spend time with some good friends. I have made some really good new friends. But I have also lost some friends, and had to deal with a few things I wanted to avoid.

Without going into too much detail, I think that I can sum up much of what I have felt in a personality description that I stumbled across in some of personality test searches that I have done in my spare time.

"You hide your emotion sometimes. You are a moon type of person. You tend to be the quiet type or in contrast, you are happy but sometimes you act it out in order for you to no burden your friends with your problems. You've faced some problems in your life. Your heart has dealt blows before. You tend to think about things a lot more than other people. ... You are also the type of person that others often come to you with their problems because you've been through plenty, and you are very understanding. Though you sometimes feel lonely. Your demeanor is usually chill, and relaxed. You usually are logical, and rely a lot on facts and information on decisions. You often keep things to yourself. This is just one side of you, and you have different faces in different situations and environments, just like the moon has phases."

I have realized that I often keep my problems to myself. I don't even share things with my family a good deal of the time. And this has frustrated me and I want this to change. Everyone needs someone to talk to about things, whether they be good or bad. I often choose to just have sports as an outlet instead, which may not be the most effective idea.

But I had an epiphone during this time. I was led to the scripture Matt. 11:28-30, which talks about taking the Lords yoke upon u, which I realized I wasn't doing. As I was able to do this, much of the anxiety dispelled. It was really good to have the reminder. Its so important in the tough times.

Becoming Stagnant

Can you be in a place too long? Can you over stay your welcome in an area? We all know that this is very possible when it comes to parties and other types of get-togethers. But what about just living in an area.

I have lived in Fort Collins off and on for twelve years now. That is a long time to live in an area. And then add on to this the fact that I have no real memories of life before I lived here. In a sense my whole life has been in Fort Collins. I know that I spent a year total in the Bubble, and also two years in Hawaii, but I have never lived outside of the Fort for more than a year at a time.

What has this done for me? I have become well established in this area. It is a great blessing at times to know as many people as I do. There have been times where I felt that this was my territory. I knew that this was a place where I was happy and didn't really doubt that this was where I needed to be at all.

That time has passed. Things have gotten to be very stagnant recently. I can almost count on knowing what I am going to be doing any day of the week because it has all gotten to be very routine. This has hit me pretty strongly with my current limitations. I certainly can't do everything that I want to do.

Is it time to leave? Maybe. But maybe thats not the change that is needed. I can never feel comfortable with the thought of leaving, and I don't know why. There is obviously something here for me. I guess the trick is to find out what that is.

Its time to change things up a little bit. To make sure that I'm not just doing the same thing week in and week out. Even in the best situations, where we should be happy, we have to be constantly vigilant. That way we can maximize our happiness. It is how we grow.

Don't worry Fort Collins, I'm not leaving any time soon.

Adjusting

The last five weeks have been a series of adjustments for me. With a broken hand it is quite difficult to do many things. It would be quite easy for me to give up on a lot of things. My passions in life are playing my guitar, sports, and hanging out with friends. Those three things often require two hands. I have had to completely drop the idea of playing my guitar during the healing process. However, sometimes to my detriment, I have not stopped doing anything else. I still play basketball, football, and whatever i get invited to do. I haven't been able to compete at exactly the same level as normal, but close.

What has this taught me? Several things actually. The first is that anything is possible when the right adjustments are made. It took many small and major changes, as well as trial and error to perfect some of the things I kept doing. For example, I started off tying my tie laying down, which took forever but made it possible. Then I taught myself how to stand up and tie it with one hand and it doesn't take that much extra time at all.

Other trial and error moments were with sports. At first when I played basketball I found that the ball would continually fly out of my hand at undesirable moments. However with a little practice and refinement I was able to bring the ball up and shoot precisely adding only a fraction of a second to my shot attempt. And in football it took half the game and realizing that my elbow was a good thing to use, but I was able to make several key catches.

Another thing that I have learned is that attitude is key. If I didn't have a positive, can do anything attitude, I would have accomplish far less and been quite miserable. Instead I was happy, even when failing to do things that I wished I could do. However the more I joked around about how goofy I looked doing things, or about how crazy hard it was to try something, or realizing that I had agreed to do something before I remembered the injury, the better the outcome always was.

Finally, expectations of self are almost always going to be self fulfilling prophecies. If I felt I couldn't do something, then it would never happen. If I had an idea that I could accomplish something I would set my mind to it and continue trying until I accomplished the task at hand.

So what do I take from this experience? That there is probably a lot that I could be doing better at if I had the same attitude and dedication in regular living. I should be an amazing force for a little while after the hand heals. These are keys of success in life, not just for times of injury.

Forgiveness

The other night I was sitting at home studying. Since I find it hard to study without music on I turned on the radio. (This was an obvious mistake since I hate listening to commercials). The first few stations that I tuned into were playing commercials, so I started broadening my search. After a little bit I found myself listening to Delilah, (not a regular experience). I listened to a caller pouring out her soul as she requested a song. She was struggling to forgive a friend who had supposedly offended in a very significant way, and who refused to apologize. I don't remember all the details of the experience, however I do remember that the listener was waiting to feel ok with the situation, and thats when she would know she had forgiven her friend. I was impressed by Delilah's response. "Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a conscious decision we make to overlook a debt that is rightfully ours."

I thought that this was profound. So many times we seek for situations to resolve on their own. Or we wait for those who have offended us to apologize or ask for forgiveness. But forgiveness really isn't something that just happens. We have to make a conscious effort to look past the wrongs that have been dealt to us.

We cannot expect to receive restitution for all the offenses toward us. It simply won't happen, no matter how good of a person we are. This is outside our control. But what we can control is our response. We have the option to hold a grudge or to forgive. Human nature makes us feel that we need to hold a grudge, that it is our right to expect corrections to be made. While it is not that harmful to think this way for a little while, if we let these feelings fester in us they can eat away at us and destroy our happiness.

The sooner we let go and make the conscious effort to overlook wrongdoings, the better we will feel. We will not carry the burdens around with us. It is a hard to forgive quickly, but it is worth it. We will be much happier.

Searching for the ideal moment, it never happens

I have a few moments in the past few days where I have had a desire to share personal feelings, but the words escaped me. Fear seemed to engulf me and I panicked. All I could do was change the subject, even though I had wanted some sort of opportunity similar to this to arise. The same situation occurred again a few days later, and I reacted the same way. I was about ready to kill myself.

How many times in life do we have dreams and desires, and we let the opportunities slip by when they present themselves? This certainly was the first time for me. Though I don't think they happen very frequently either.

What caused me to freeze? It was the unfamiliarity and lack of security. I normally have many words to share in conversations. I can keep up with almost anyone in regards to sports. I have a keen sense of humor that allows me to be funny, or at least try, most of the time. I usually have some piece of advice for friends who come to me with problems. However when it comes to sharing personal thoughts and feelings I often struggle to express myself.

Much of this has to do with reactions I have had to sharing these thoughts in the past. But I think that it mostly comes down to insecurity. When sharing the inner emotions we want to know that these thoughts will be respected. It sometimes feels as though in these situations we are placing our fine china in an arena of a thousand bulls. This simply is not true when confiding in those close to us.

Looking back at these two freeze ups I know that I am actually putting my fine China in a dishwasher, where there is a possibility to the machine malfunctioning and destroying it, but overall we can agree that it will a beneficial interaction.

There is a need for more people to recognize this and see it in their lives. More love would blossom, more friendships would grow, more happiness would abound because these risks aren't as risky as we think they are in the situation.

I was attempting to find the ideal situation where this risk was eliminated. Here I would feel perfectly secure in sharing these thoughts. However I have realized that this is an imaginary place. No one can completely remove risk. It is much better to take the opportunities placed before us. Create an ideally used situation.

How to make friends and keep them

It seems to be the goal of most people to have lots of friends. Why is this? Because having friends makes us feel good. Whether we have a lot of friends or just a few, the human interaction creates a sense of satisfaction, and more importantly comfort. We feel a sense of safety when we have people that we can turn to and talk to in our times of need. Recently I have had people ask me how I have been able to gain the friends that I have. In thinking about this I have come up with a few different points or ideas on what it takes to build a friendship with someone.

1. Talk to lots of different people

If you feel that you don’t have as many friends as you wish you had, there is one simple solution. Talk to more people. It comes down to simple mathematics. The more people you interact with the more likely you will find someone you will enjoy spending some time with. It is obvious that not everyone we meet will become a close friend. I believe that this can be described in a pyramid format. At the base we have our acquaintances, the people which we say hi to when we see them, but don’t have real interactions. Next we have a tier of distant friends. These friends are those that we have conversations with when ever we see them, but we often just leave these interactions up to chance and don’t seek them out. The third tier is good friends. These are the people that we hang out with regularly. We seek out interactions with them and will often find each other in many similar social situations. The fourth and final tier is close friends. Close friends are those that we can share our personal thoughts and feelings with. We are the most intimate with our close friends.

It is my theory that there is a general proportion amongst all the differing levels. I cannot define what this proportion is, but by general observations of the people I know that it most likely exists. I will use myself as an example here. I have about 700 acquaintances. I have about 100 friends. I have 30 good friends. Studies have shown that people have an average of 5 to 8 close friends. I feel that I have 8. I understand that it is difficult to accurately determine the number of acquaintances and distant friends, so I have made estimates, and you can ask me how I got these numbers if you are curious.

I feel that most people have similar proportions. The only thing that doesn’t vary much is the number of close, trusted friends. Every thing else is based upon the number of acquaintances we have. The more the merrier. So go out and talk to people.

2. Compliment Often

Everyone needs to feel appreciated, or noticed, or some combination of the two. One of the easiest ways to do this is to offer compliments. Most people take a decent amount of time getting ready for the day, (this is more so true of girls, rather than guys), and when it shows, they want to know that other people can see this. A sincere compliment can go a long way. I have witnessed many people go from a bad mood to a good mood from a simple compliment. And it seemed as though the person offering the compliment had no idea it was going to have such a profound effect. So a good philosophy to adopt is to compliment people whenever the opportunity arises. People will feel good when they are around you and they will want to spend more time with you.

3. Hang Out/ Do things together

The easiest way to spend time with people is to sit in places where we know a lot of people, and where there is a non threatening way to get to me a lot of new people. This will help us to meet a lot of new acquaintances and increase our pool of distant friends. However, the only way to turn these into good friendships is to spend quality time with these individuals. Small groups or time spent with just the two of you is a great way to get to know each other and to find out if its worth spending more time with them. This is a fundamental part of building lasting friendships because people are multi-faceted, meaning that they have more than one side to them. If we stay in the large social gathering situation, we cannot know the full potential of what everyone has to offer. Often the more we learn about individuals, the more we learn to love them.

Everyone has a façade they put on for protection. While this is not a full blown false identity in most cases, there is a level of security and anonymity that is gained from this behavior. It is possible for people to be themselves and still have a façade. This is done by not exposing too much information about oneself. In smaller situations the true identity of an individual is more likely to come out.

4. Respect Boundaries

Not everyone is the same. We can clearly see this as we examine personal boundaries. Some people are very apt to hug others, while others like to keep to themselves. Some people love to approach new people and talk to them for long periods of time, while others are more reserved and take some time to work into a friendship. Some people cling to others, some need some alone time, some prefer to have interactions with lots of different people. What it all comes down to is the fact that often we assume that other people will be comfortable doing the same things that we are comfortable with. This is simply not the case. Let me examine a few ways that people can cross the line.
The first is that we can say things that others do not appreciate. Not everyone is as comfortable with specific topics as other people are. So until you are certain that its going to be ok with a friend, ease into different topics. And respect it if they ask for a change of subject.
Another way that the line is crossed is with being too close to someone. People have a personal bubble, and most people don’t like it when it is invaded without invitation. Don’t talk too close. Don’t hug more than that person is comfortable with. Don’t touch them too much. Don’t sneak up behind someone and just stand there, let them know you are there within a few seconds. And so many more. Willing to give clarification on other situations.
The final way that I would like to discuss is with spending too much time with a person. This is very easy to do early on in the development of friendships. It is important to keep in mind that when trying to make new friends, the best course of action is to talk long enough to make it personal, but short enough that it is still interesting. Then this person will want to come and talk to you again and again and before you know if you have a new friend. If the initial conversations are longer than the other person expects or wants, then the possibility of a second conversation is significantly decreased.
It is also possible to spend too much time with someone you have been friends with for a long time. Consider the idea that you are most likely not that persons only friend. Time needs to be divided amongst all the friendships that an individual has. You do not get to decide how much time someone else wants to spend with you. You only get to decide how much time you want to give each of your friends. In order to maintain my friends in a healthy manner, I live by this philosophy: When considering time to be spent with a friend, go with the lower desired amount of the two. This does not necessarily mean that anyone wants to stop being friends. Quite the opposite is true if you are good friends already.
Now to address the all important question of how to know when the other person needs a little space. Body language is key, so pay attention to what the other individual is doing. If they continue to look around and act disinterested, its probably time to say goodbye and do something else for a little while. If they inch away and keep moving further away when you move closer, its time to do something else for a little while. There are many similar situations, and it would take too long to illustrate each one. Sometimes people will go ahead and be verbal about it. If someone says they need to go do something else, respect that and find something else to do. Keep in mind that there is no need to take offense in these situations. Intentions are not to harm you, nor are there any negative feelings toward you just because there are other things to do. People genuinely are busy sometimes, and sometimes just need a moment to themselves. If you have any questions about specific situations I’d be happy to evaluate for you.

5. Find Common Ground

Our closest friends can understand what we are trying to say even when we can’t express ourselves clearly. Close friends know how we will normally react in most settings. They know what we need, and what we want. We can’t expect that kind of relationship with everyone we meet. But we can learn many things from these kinds of friendships. The thing that connects us is the things that we have in common. With close friends we have lots of things in common. With some people it may seem nearly impossible to find something that interests both individuals. However there is always something that can tie you together. And this may not lead to a lasting friendship, but its certainly one step closer.

6. Do things for each other

There is one phenomenon that has always fascinated me. It is the effect that service has on the person performing the acts of service, not to be confused with the person receiving the service. When people perform service for someone else two things happen to that person. The first is an increase in general happiness or joy. A good feeling will always accompany acts of service, even when the task is difficult. The second thing that occurs is an instant increase in the bond that we share with those that we serve. This bond forms between the two if they have never previously met, or a slight increase in unity will take place if a relationship already exists. Perhaps the most satisfaction comes when serving someone that we don’t know with pure intentions. This means that we have no expectations of a great reward other than personal satisfaction for serving. I would hope that everyone has experienced this at one point in the course of their lives. An increase in service will favorably affect our relationships with others, whether its big acts or something relatively small.

7. Learn Tolerance

Inevitably everyone is going to do something that we don’t like at some point in our life. This is even true of those that we love the most and are closest too. The sooner we realize this the more prepared we till become. True it will catch us off guard when something offensive happens, but the process of forgiveness will be much shorter if we have this mentality. This is not to say that I have a lack of confidence in humankind. I am simply saying that we need to be realistic in our expectations of friendship. The good times will far out weigh the negative experiences, we just have to maintain the correct perspective to see this. Also, if more people are respectful of personal boundaries, then there will be less need to overlook the negative.

8. Be Yourself

It is human nature to immediately analyze the situations that surround us. If we don’t have a complete understanding, then we fill in the gaps. Most often this is an unconscious effort, though sometimes it enters into the conscious thought process. In social situations assumptions are made all the time. We create our own perception of what reality is, which have varying degrees of truth incorporated. We then make conclusions of what is expected of ourselves and others.
Hopefully this coincides with what we want to do. But what happens when these conflict? We then have a decision to make, are we going to conform to expectations or are we going to live our life independent of these expectations. The choice is not always easy to make. I have discussed this topic with friends from different parts of the country recently, and the conclusion that was reached in every conversation was the same. We can experience temporary happiness when we discard our identity and assume one that seems to fit the norm. We can often gain many friends this way. But in time we lose this gratification of simply fitting in and we long for something different. However if we start off our friendships with no false pretenses then we don’t have to pretend. Sometimes it takes longer to find friends, but the reward is much greater. These relationships become more lasting and we have more freedom to act, because we don’t have to plot out moves the same way.

9. Friendship is a Process

It is foolish to assume that you are going to get everything you want in life without putting forth any effort. If you want to become good at a sport, you practice a lot. The same is true of learning instruments or any other talent. If you want a possession then you have to save up for it. Why would we expect anything different in developing relationships? Any relationship worth having is going to take time and effort to build. And as hard at it is at times, it is worth it in the end.
Looking back at my closest friendships I have noticed something interesting about how they have started. A handful of these friendships have started without much effort. But the majority have taken a few months to solidify. Also, I noticed that while there was work involved in establishing these friendships, it wasn’t forced at all. It usually happens very naturally.

10. Not Everyone is Going to be Your Friend

The reality is that you can’t get along with everyone. You aren’t going to be able to spend enough time with everyone to become good friends. We have our limitations, and some people are just different enough that a friendship won’t happen. Don’t get discouraged when someone rejects you. It’s a part of life that everyone has to deal with. Instead brush it off and continue to meet new people and eventually you will find those that want to be your friend. No matter who you are. Remember that the greatest people to have lived on the earth

Limiting others

It seems that everyone has a specific role that they must fill in their circle of friends. Sometimes we focus so much on fulfilling the role that we lose sight of our other abilities. But more often then that, we see others falling in love with one aspect of personality. People often don't take the time to see what we are like outside of the social pressures of large groups.

Every individual has multiple things to offer to the world. We all have the potential to be funny, to listen well, to offer advice, or whatever it may be. It is not prudent to limit the capabilities of others. It is very easy for people to become quite settled in doing the same things because that is what becomes expected of them.

What happens when you break from the norm and change your expectations? There can be mixed reactions. Depending on what your role is in the group the change can either be welcome, or it can be disliked. For example, if a relatively quiet individual begins to be more outgoing and talkative, the change is welcomed by most. However, sometimes when someone who is a clown many times tries to branch out and be serious for a moment, many will leave because they are no longer being entertained the same way.

The only way to give everyone the credit they deserve is to make sure that we explore more than one facet of each individual before we make any real judgments. This can take time and effort, but often times the efforts will bring about possibilities that we would have otherwise been unaware of.

Its also very important to keep in mind that people have more needs than they will openly admit most of the time. Part of the limiting process that I am talking about refers to the acts of selfishness that are rampant in our current society. Most people are caught up in solely just trying to please themselves, that they don't take time to reach out to those in need. This is especially noticeable with those who entertain.

Society as a whole could use a little more love of others. A little more sacrifice. And most importantly, a decrease in selfish behaviors which generally have little benefit for anyone in the grand scheme of things.

Thoughts on Happiness

Recently my life has been going through a bit of a rough patch. It has taken quite a bit of effort to get myself feeling good about things and to be happy again. I had learned a lot about what it takes to be happy, and written most of these thoughts to be posted here. Then I realized that once again I was unhappy. This caused me to understand that no matter how hard we try to make our lives ideal and make sure that we aren't going to go crazy, inevitably we are going hit some moment that gets the better of us. Its how we learn and grow, so that the next moment we hopefully are strong enough to maintain our personal happiness.

I was going to publish the thoughts that I had, but I think I might just skip that. However, if it is desired I can still put it up because the points are still valid, just not as indestructable as I first assumed.

Societies Imaginary Lines

It is interesting to think about what keeps our society functioning in a normal and safe manner. As I have pondered about this I have come to the conclusion that it is societies imaginary, yet recognized, lines or boundaries. This comes about in many ways.

The first and most obvious deals with traffic. We look at the different lines and signs posted around on the streets. We understand exactly what these lines tell us to do, whether it be to stay on a particular side of the road or to park in a certain section of asphalt. It would be very easy to cross these lines, to drive from one corner of a parking lot to the opposite corner in a straight line, causing us to cross many of these lines. Each one of us has done this on multiple occasions. We know how easy it is to disregard these lines.

Why then do we so meticulously obey the assumed meaning of these lines? Because they protect us. If we were to take away all these lines then it would be mass chaos everywhere, and along with this chaos would be catastrophe.

This is easy to see when looking at traffic, but what about in other aspects of life. We have all created personal boundaries or lines. Most people are able to understand and recognize where these boundaries are for others. However there is a much larger difficulty in respecting the boundaries of everyone because unlike the lines in the middle of the road, there are no clear cut labels telling what to do.

The lack of specific directions of what to do in any given circumstance dealing with interactions with other people creates confusion. We often make mistakes. This is what makes relationships with other people so difficult to start. We are constantly trying to understand what lines to stay in, the places to avoid, places where we need to speed up or slow down, or even where we need to use extreme caution.

It is true that society will teach where many of these lines are, and even more of these lines are highlighted by our conscience. We are not left completely guessing what we can and cannot do. The expectations that are placed before us are not completely hidden. But even though we have a general idea of actions we need to take, it would be so much easier if we understood more of societies hidden lines. However I suppose that it takes a lifetime to understand these lines with any degree of certainty, and by that time many of these lines will have shifted.

A survey

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Music, A Gateway to the Soul

Music is my life. It has become apparent that I just do better in life when I have music. I perform better in sports if I listen to music before I play. When I want to change my mood the best way to do that is through music. When I want to get frustrations out in a non destructive way it is through music.

Why does music have this profound effect? I think that the reasons are different in many cases for different people, but some principles are universal.

I am very much a lyric listener, meaning I pay attention to the lyrics and that affects in a big way if i like the song or not. For those who are like me in this sense find that the words are able to express how we feel in a way that we can't. It becomes an outlet for the feelings that are bottled up and can't be expressed any other way.

As for sports it takes the right kind of music to get me pumped and invigorated. I find that lyrics for this situation are not as important as the beat and rhythm. It gets the blood flowing and the heart beating. And more importantly it gets you in the right mind set for getting physical and working hard.

I have many playlists for the many different moods that I may be in. I have my basketball playlist, my I hate girls playlist, my girls are awesome playlist, my general frustration with life playlist, and a few more.

I also find great joy in performing music and even more from writing music. This way I can express the thoughts that I am having. Years after the fact I can find different things from what I initially tried to convey in songs i wrote. And that to me is really cool.

"Why can't you just love me back"

I will start off by saying that this is not a topic that I have the answers for. I was asked to explore a question that I have asked several times myself, yet I have not been able to solidly answer it so far in my life. Yet I will try and write down the observations that I have made. The question is why we like people that don't like us back.

This is something that I'm sure all of us have experienced at some point in our dating lives. Guys have inevitably asked a girl out only to be rejected. Girls have waited for that guy to ask them out, only to find themselves continually waiting. That's a minor example of this phenomenon. And maybe doesn't really approach the heart of the matter because in these cases we only think there is potential that we will develop real interest in this person.

What about those times that we actually spend time and get to know the person that we are interested in? We get to see the qualities that we are looking for in them. At this point we may genuinely like this person. But then we are crushed because they don't share the same interest in us.

Human nature makes us attracted to many different individuals as we try and find a potential spouse. The attraction is felt on many different levels. When it reaches a certain level we throw on the term "like." The reasons for liking someone are vast and very much different for every situation we are in. The thing that connects each of these situations is that they have one or more qualities that we are seeking in a partner.

But not everyone is seeking the same qualities. And we certainly don't all possess the same qualities. Often we want someone who possesses the qualities that we don't have, but need in our life. It is hard to match these up. Thus making it so that we like someone who does not like us back.

One other thought is based on timing. When a relationship is going to be started it requires the right timing. People gain interest on different time tables. Only when the times happen to match up will a relationship actually happen.

Understanding this cycle doesn't make it any easier to be in this predicament. It also doesn't allow us to know how to prevent this from happening either. But maybe it allows us to gain some sense that its ok to be in this predicament.

Jumping Through Hoops

It has become apparent to me that in order for me to get anything that I want I am being forced to jump through a series of hoops. It has been a little frustrating at times and I have wondered very seriously, why can't something I want just come easy to me right now? The more that I have thought about it the more clear the answer has become.

Recent challenges have made me put a lot of effort into accomplishing anything. Things don't seem to come as easily as they used to. And I think that this is how life is supposed to be. We cannot become truly great in anything without having to overcome obstacles. Why is this? Because strength comes through resistance. This is a truth that we constantly hear from those who we consider successful.

But I think there is something more to it then just overcoming these obstacles. I recently found this quote from Theodore Roosevelt, “the boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats.” I think this puts things into a slightly different perspective.

What does it take to "win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats?" I guess that we have to figure out what the competitor is that we are winning over before we can really understand what this phrase means. We are trying to defeat our natural tendencies to take the easy route, where the rewards aren't as great. So we could say that our competitor is our own self.

This places a greater responsibility on ones self for success. Obviously there are other factors that can affect the outcomes of our efforts, but I don't think that is what it is all about. Sometimes the greatest successes come from doing hard things even though we know we are going to fail.

So much of "success" in life is dependent on our attitude and our desire to make things happen. This is exactly what Roosevelt was saying. That in order to become a great man or woman we must make the conscious decision to do whatever it takes to get what we want.

As I have so often been reminded. We can't achieve anything until we experience failure.

Who we really are, does it change

People are very interesting creatures. It seems that so often that I am drawn to look at who I am and how things have progressed over the years. It is apparent that I am not the same as I was when I was eleven. What brought about these noticeable differences in my behavior? Am I really a different person then I was eleven years ago? Have these changes made me different person? The answer may come in looking at myself eleven years ago, and then looking at myself now, and then comparing the two.

Eleven years ago I moved to Fort Collins. I quickly became friends with my neighbor Matt. We did many things together including; entertaining people, spiritual church stuff, getting into trouble, and pretty much everything you would expect friends to do together, except go to school together. I didn't talk much with anyone but Matt and my family. Everyone else was essentially just an acquaintance on some level or another. I really struggled socially.

My focus was on reading. I could be found reading when I wasn't doing homework or doing things with my friends and family. I was reading books that would not be expected for kids of my age. I was forced into participating in music because my parents thought it would be good for me. I hadn't watched a sports game, aside from a couple nuggets games, up to this point. I failed to see what was so interesting in them.

Simply put, at age eleven I was a complete NERD!!!!

What is it that makes me who I am today? I spend a good portion of the day seeking people that I can interact with. I love people and prefer to spend most of my time with other people. I have a good base of friends and love meeting new people.

Sports are probably the biggest focus in my life aside from school, church, and girls. I devote a lot of time to playing and watching many different sports. I have a passion for music. It still has a strong influence in all that I do. It really connects everything else in my life. And i actually seek out opportunities to play musical instruments of all varieties.

On the surface it would seem that I am a new person, that my personality has been altered. What has caused this change? As I have grown I have been able to experience more differing situations. It would be easy to say that my essential character has changed. But I wish to present a different view point. Our essential character doesn't change, our circumstances allow us to understand ourselves better and our true self becomes more apparent.

I base some of this on conversations I've had with family members. They don't really notice any changes in who I really am. According to them I have the same personality traits and behavioral tendencies.

As I have pondered on how I have grown and developed I think that my mission changed a lot of my perspectives. I learned a lot through study and observation and even just being forced to adapt to different situations. A few of the most important bits of knowledge gained were insights into who I really am and what I really enjoy.

Doctrines of gospel which were greatly researched during my days as a missionary also point to this same idea. Knowing about existence before this life and knowing that we had the same personality then are very significant in this analysis. Our spirits are in a constant struggle to overcome our mortal bodies. So the more we learn about ourselves the more we discover what our spirits really are. Our spirit is what our essential character really is. And that is not something that is easily changed, if at all.

Predictability

Life is complicated. There are thousands of different paths and destinations that we can end up on. One decision we make can alter the path that we are taking significantly.

There are many more options presented before us then we would ever consider. With each decision we have to make we normally narrow the choices down to two or three choices. This is a subconscious process with our minds quickly eliminating outlandish ideas.

What we do with the remaining choices is often very predictable. Everyone will react to situations differently then other people, but will react the same way when put in similar situations. The exception to this rule is when previous actions have resulted in harmful outcomes to ourselves. Human nature makes us want to do what is best for our self preservation. The more experiences we have the more that we understand what has the potential to injure us physically, emotionally, or whatever it may be.

As we drive this becomes very apparent. An individual may drive above the speed limit consistently for a long period of time, but the instant that the individual is caught and ticketed this behavior changes. For a small period of time at least. After a while the memory can fade and previous behaviors re-introduced.

The outward actions are a little more obvious to see this trend in ourselves. Sometimes it takes a lot more to see this in the emotional decisions we have to make, emotional decisions being those that don’t directly affect effect our physical self, but have other consequences effecting our happiness or emotional well-being.

What makes this one more difficult is that we don’t always understand what is going to be in our best interest with these decisions. When I am making the decision of when to cross the street I can tell when a car is going to hit me or not, so it becomes very easy. The emotional decisions often have factors that are beyond our control and which we cannot specifically determine till we take action.

We often calculate the outcomes of our various decisions and when we do this we usually come to the same conclusions. If someone has made fun of us for having a particular viewpoint then we probably won’t bring up that viewpoint again with that same person. Even if the other individual would have acted differently, we base our decisions on the past.

This is why it becomes easier to predict someones actions the more you get to know them. You begin to share the same experiences that they have and see how they react in different situations. Most people are not as complex as we make them out to be. It just means getting to know them, which a lot of people don’t take the time to do.

People are predictable and self protecting.

New Years Resolutions

It is the time of year where people make promises that they will change some aspect of their life that is less then perfect. The new year brings a sense of newness into peoples lives, a rejuvenation of purpose. I think this new beginning is great, but I feel that new years resolutions are ineffective.

At New Years how often do we here of someone promising they will quit smoking, starting a new exercise routine, or some new diet? Everywhere we turn people are starting new things or giving up bad habits, and while they have the best intentions and put forth effort, inevitably most will fail to keep this up for more then a week. Why is this phenomenon so rampant? Is it because no one can handle the changes they promote so heavily?

I believe that the technique in proper execution of accomplishing goals is cast aside when it comes to these resolutions. Most likely we will choose some large, semi-vague goal, attempt to tackle it all at once, and then fall flat on our face trying to accomplish it in a matter of days. Sound familiar.

There is a way to avoid this. What does it take to actually accomplish any goal worth setting? Break it down. When we understand that it will be a process to achieve success we are more likely to accomplish what we set out to do. Michael Jordan didn't become a legend in a week. It took years for him to attain his high level of athletic ability. And this is how it will be with all of us.

I believe that most of our thought out new years resolutions are good, if not great. They are worthwhile improvements to make in our lives. Let us each take the time and make the effort to breakdown our goals into achievable ones. We can have a great year as we actually keep our new years resolutions.

Yea 2009!!!